Friday, August 5, 2011

Run Away, Run Away!

Is downtown Saginaw making a comeback? Many say 'yes'

Behold the ultimate take-it-to-eleven Scary Black People paranoiac fantasy:

So the "youths" were standing around. Just, you know, standing. But you don't know, do you! You never know when they'll decide to pounce. One thing is certain; the ideal ratio of cops to black people is on the order of two to one, similar to animal tamers and big cats.

OK, OK, Whatever

More than 150 march on Holland City Hall to push for anti-discrimination ordinance change

Can't I be both? Also note that this comment doesn't have any relationship to the article or even the comments surrounding it. This must be the go-to insult for when he's sure someone is wrong on the internet, but can't pinpoint who or how.

Sometimes Things Are Not Like Other Things

Study: Michigan started national trend this year in cutting unemployment benefits

Sadly, the internet is rife with people unfamiliar with Godwin's Law.

Nothing gets FairVoice frothing at the mouth like a mention of petitions. What past trauma does this animosity conceal? Did a ballpoint pen explode in his hand? Did a canvasser kick his dog? And does he actually like Jews, or does he just like using them as a rhetorical crutch?

Step Away From The Keyboard

Wednesday's Social Security checks will arrive on time after debt ceiling compromise reached

Nobody told me about any liberal campaign of terror. I'm always down for a torch-and-pitchfork flashmob. Seriously, next time you should call me.

His unique spelling gives the comment has a 19th-century flavor. I imagine Mr. R---, of the village of H---, half-rising from his wheeled invalid's chair, consumed with indignation. Those d----d scoundrels! Such villainy!

So it's true? Tom Rademacher is the source of all evil? I suspected as much.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Wow. Just Wow.

Rep. John Conyers fights to spare entitlement programs in second-round of deficit reduction

Let's take this one slowly, point by point.
1. Everyone in Los Angeles is black.
2. Ditto pre-Katrina New Orleans.
3. All black people live in desperate poverty.
4. People living in desperate poverty are subhuman.
5. As subhuman leech-rat-ape things, they cannot control their lizard brains.
6. The solution is preemptive lynching.
Everybody knows that if you spell out a word instead of saying it, children and the simpleminded won't understand what you mean. Lesnar just wants to let the racially pure know that he's got their backs without tipping off the mud people.

Low Blows Aimed High

Aretha Franklin criticizes songwriter over rights lawsuit

It takes chutzpah to badmouth Aretha Franklin.

From this we can conclude: a black person's success is highly suspect, if not actually immoral, and alwasy comes at the expense of a white person's success. Here Aretha Franklin's songwriting partner serves as a stand-in for suffering white people everywhere.

Get Your Own House In Order, Buddy [UPDATED]

Letter: Self-righteous left keeps skewing facts

Helpful hints for op-ed writers: when accusing others of self-righteousness, it is usually best to avoid skewing facts. Debunking the writer's claims would take too much time and energy, but the self-righteous tone is unmistakeable.

It's the "kid brother" principle in action: if your big sister looks like she's going to smack you if you poke her one more time, you must be doing something right. Also, please note the limpness of Barney Frank's wrists. Both of them! He really should get that looked at.

[Updated for bonus homophobia.

I automatically inserted a comma into the phrase "a Barney, bro," before I realized czfan wasn't accusing another commenter of being a children's television personality.]

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

You Are Not a Credit to Your Race, Part II

Lance Adams III, an Illinois police officer, charged with felony for alleged assault of jail deputy after July incident at Michigan Adventure's Amusement Park

Except for this dude. We also like this one. The rest of you better watch yourselves.

I Blame Donald Rumsfeld, Part II

Probable cause hearing slated for Baby Kate's alleged abductor, Sean Michael Phillips, set for 11:15 a.m. Wednesday in Mason County 79th District Court

I declare a moratorium on all variations of the word "waterboard," noun and verb forms both.

Okay, fine, new rule. Want to throw around threats of waterboarding? You will pay me for the privilege. Five dollars per utterance. I take PayPal. Furthermore, evidence for sodium thiopental's efficacy as a truth drug is shaky at best.

This Is Totally Not What The Article Was About

Sales tax for online retailers? John Conyers sponsors bill to 'level the playing field'

I can't help but imagine all the welfare recipients bundled in a European-style shopping bag slung over a hardworking white Christian's back, with little hands and feet sticking out of the mesh, and little voices crying for help.

It's possible that claiming a majority-black Congressional district is by definition an economic drag on the state is in fact racist. Possibly. Of course, the real problem is that white people still have to pay sales tax.

Agent Of SPECTRE Unmasked

Grand Rapids demonstrators urge lawmakers to take quick action on national debt

The children in question are standing next to their mother; all are holding signs urging Congress to raise the debt ceiling.

Why, he's positively delighted. Him and his cat both.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Never Trust An Admissions Officer

$2.1 million in federal grants to help double number of minority nursing students at University of Michigan-Flint

It's not like nearly 67 million people voted for the guy or anything. Well, most of them were colored, so it didn't count. Perhaps Group W Bench knows something we don't: the 2008 Presidential election was actually decided by the admissions board of the University of Michigan-Flint. It stands to reason that the 2000 and 2004 elections must have been decided by the admissions board of Baylor University. Everything makes sense now!

Muslims Are The New Pit Bulls

AWOL soldier defiantly shouts '09 suspect's name

Parlor game: for every mention of radicalized Muslims, substitute the phrases "dangerous dogs" or "vicious pit bulls." That way you can condemn brown people and promote breed specific legislation at the same time. Way to multitask!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Everyone's A Traitor Around Here

Readers debate whether MEA's push to recall lawmakers is a show of democracy or a bullying tactic

Definitely bullying. Why, I've known canvassers to buttonhole strangers and threaten to stab them in the eye if they didn't sign the petition. One question: if standing around with a clipboard constitutes giving aid and comfort to the enemy, who exactly is the enemy? If FairVoice won't explain who or what, doesn't that make him an accessory to treason?

The only thing worse that circulating a petition is circulating a petition in wartime. javamama might as well have flown out to Afghanistan just to stab a bunch of soldiers in the eye.

Never The Twain Shall Meet

Worth reading: Americans 'disgusted' with debt ceiling fight; wealth gap between whites, minorities widens

deathby2 appears to believe that the gap between "rich" and "poor" is analogous to the divide between Brahmins and Dalit within the Hindu caste system. Those born poor cannot hope to rise from the squalor of their upbringing; those born rich are magically protected by lion-mounted goddesses. What's worse, the poor are still burdened by the gold standard, leaving them with a fixed pool of available funds. The rich have no such limitations.

So what I want to know is how I can get my hands on some of this "rich people money." Does it look different, or feel different? Or is it one of those things that you can't describe, but you know it when you find it? Has deathby2 ever seen any?

On a side note, deathby2's comment may be linked to the perennial complaint that white women aren't having enough white babies, but it's difficult to say exactly how.

Can I Get A Side Of Bile With That?

It's anger management for Tiffany Nealous who used a baseball bat to dispute a towing charge

His reaction totally has nothing to do with race. No, really.

CHETDROMAN, of course, is a noted aesthete and patron of the arts, whose appreciation for the finer things is matched only by his generosity of spirit.

Monday, July 25, 2011

You Should Also Stop Breathing Air, Parasite

Julie Mack column: American attitude on health-care spending is unhealthy for our economy

I remain convinced that Charles Weyland wears sunglasses in his profile picture to conceal his cold reptilian eyes.

Apparently the only real taxes are income taxes. Sales taxes and license fees and such are more like tipping for service. It follows that as a non-taxpayer I should refrain from burdening the system. It won't be easy. Just today, I've selfishly taken advantage of city roads, municipal sewers, streetlights, sidewalks, interstate highways, non-contaminated food, clean tap water, and smog-free air. Not to mention the government-regulated radio spectrum and government-subsidized electrical grid built on public lands! Tomorrow I plan to make unfair use of the post office and the library.

...Wait A Minute, What?

Buena Vista police obtain warrants for two suspects in death of Ernie Griffin Jr.

To further de-clarify jeff's comment, the article does not mention an "Andre," nor is this the name of the reporter. One thing is clear: white people would never be capable of such a hideous crime. It must be the coloreds.

You mean how people create Facebook pages for their pets? Or are you referring to the study of zoology? Oh. I guess not.

Another One From The Vault

Craft brewer sues state Liquor Control Commission, claims rejecting profanity on beer label violates free speech

To clarify: way back in March, Flying Dog Brewery had a bit of a dust-up with the LCC over the label of their "Raging Bitch" ale, and MLive commenters derived the false impression that they had been asked to serve as moral arbiters in the matter.

Come for the liberal-bashing, stay for the misogyny!

Drive-By Elocution Lessons

Universities training teachers under fire for quantity, quality of grads

It's refreshing to see a common-sense perspective, free of gratuitous bashing. Oh, wait.

Hey, you guys, were you aware of the lexical phenomenon African-American Vernacular English? And did you know that the president is black? These facts taken together amount to a tsunami of hilarity. Also, anyone over the age of 18 using the phrase "LOL" is legally barred from casting aspersions on anyone else's diction.

Friday, July 22, 2011

You Give And You Give, And It's Never Enough

Father of Cherie Irving calls three sentenced in connection with her death selfish, careless, unapologetic

Always adaptable, commenters will attack the father if there's no mother available.

Not only should he have prevented his daughter from becoming a drug addict with the power of his mind, he should pay the legal fees and cost of incarcerating the people who tried to conceal her body. After all, if the drug-addled slut hadn't called up her friend to demand a fix, none of this would have happened! It's victim-blaming taken to absurd extremes.

Tick Another One Off The List

Shooting of probationer by Lenawee County sheriff's deputy was justified, police said today

Textbook example of eugenics: check.