You Are Not a Credit to Your Race, Part II

Lance Adams III, an Illinois police officer, charged with felony for alleged assault of jail deputy after July incident at Michigan Adventure's Amusement Park

Except for this dude. We also like this one. The rest of you better watch yourselves.

I Blame Donald Rumsfeld, Part II

Probable cause hearing slated for Baby Kate's alleged abductor, Sean Michael Phillips, set for 11:15 a.m. Wednesday in Mason County 79th District Court

I declare a moratorium on all variations of the word "waterboard," noun and verb forms both.

Okay, fine, new rule. Want to throw around threats of waterboarding? You will pay me for the privilege. Five dollars per utterance. I take PayPal. Furthermore, evidence for sodium thiopental's efficacy as a truth drug is shaky at best.

I'm Sure Everything Will Be Fine, Dear

Grand Rapids Police to step up foot patrols downtown in effort to improve safety

Next step: internal passport controls! Grand Rapids' four geographic divisions will be treated as separate cantons, similar to post-war occupied Vienna. In order to pass between neighborhoods, all residents must present documents stating the purpose of their journey. If civilization is crumbling, martial law might not be a bad idea, in which case foot patrols won't cut it. The cops demand rocket-powered motorcycles, with spikes and lasers and things.

About That Other Shooting

Relatives of July 4 downtown shooting victim upset

Here, the victim states that he "had a feeling something was going to happen," which commenters take as clear evidence that his injuries were an act of gang retribution. Wrong color, wrong neighborhood, no sympathy.

I had no idea that getting shot could land you in prison. Now I'll have to be extra careful! Also, grsteve appears unaware that Marcus Garvey is no longer with us.

Even if it were legally plausible to deport an American citizen, it's unclear where he would be expected to go. Possible compromise: American citizens can be deported under certain circumstances, but only to Ruritania or the Savage Land.

Breaking: black people do not pay taxes! Are they even American citizens? Maybe we can deport them after all. Sadly, Marcus Garvey is no longer with us, and cannot offer guidance.

I Blame Donald Rumsfeld

Ludington Police say they have found clothing worn by the missing 4-month-old girl

Absent a photograph, the child's mother is out of sight, out of mind. Commenters now have the father in their sights.

Sadly, commenters remember that time when US military and intelligence personnel tortured people, but do not remember that said torture was and is illegal, contrary to the Geneva Conventions, and a violation of basic human decency.

At least they acknowledge waterboarding as a form of torture, which is more than the Bush administration ever did.

The father was in fact scheduled to deploy to Afghanistan; beyond that, the comment has no bearing on reality. The military doesn't have blanket jurisdiction on any crime that may or may not have been committed by persons who will in the near future enter their sphere of influence. It's not like Seal Team 6  is going to parachute in and bang heads together after using their Super Soldier Serum-enhanced hearing to pinpoint a cute baby's despairing cry.

Zero Degrees Of Separation

Stolen frames leave big holes in Flint's vacant Civic Park Elementary

Having already determined What Black People Are Like via internet research, czfan is eager to test his knowledge, but encounters as much pushback as support.

You better not be walking past that building, buddy, or we'll arrest you for maybe having stood in the same convenience store line as the person who vandalized it.

Not only do all black people know each other, but they are all interchangeable. It's true! Some of them can even swap body parts, like Lego zombies.

You Cannot Possibly Understand The Delicate Nuances Of Our Bigotry

Police identify 'person of interest' in slaying of civil rights activist C. Frederick Robinson

Elsewhere, commenters fail to understand the difference between person of interest and suspect, and Pat Clawson explains why calling attention to racism is far worse than actual racism. His comments are too long to repost here, but I recommend skimming them for prime examples of covert racist apologia, attacks on phantom political-correctness zealots, and defense of the word "Negro" as used by condescending white folks.

Nice to know that Pat has so much support. Perhaps their support will give his State Senate campaign a much-needed boost.

Black-on-black crime is unique in that it does not involve individuals with families, histories, or feelings. Since neither victim nor perpetrator is fully human, they don't merit so much as a feature story in the local daily, let alone a true crime account. Just tally up the statistics at the end of the year and call it good.

Sorry, Out Of Service

MTA bus driver shot while driving down Stonegate Drive in Flint

Collective punishment is a war crime under the Fourth Geneva Convention. If B17 and his cohorts consider Flint a war zone, they would do well to brush up on international law.

Commenters use their powers of clairvoyance and groupthink to divine the shooter's home address. They will retrieve his phone number from the murky aether momentarily, and produce a composite sketch by tomorrow morning.

Note that the article gives no information about any suspects. All speculation about the shooter was supplied by the commenters, and by the end of the thread they believe their own stories.

Nothing Will Slake His Thirst For Blood

Report: Traverse City teen confesses to killing missing teen; body found

It pains mushmorton to learn that the killer has not already been drawn and quartered in the presence of the victim's parents.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I always thought that living in a Christlike manner was kind of the point of being a Christian. This dude wrote a book about it and everything.

Lawyers, judges, police officers, elected officials? Anarchists, all. Old Man Mushmorton is the only law you need!

Attempts to talk him down do not meet with success.

From this we can conclude that mushmorton is a) consistent and b) Dutch, given his hardline stance on misuse of his personal tax dollars. Farther down the thread, he attempts to draw historical analogies:

By this logic, the state should be firebombing Grayling already, and delivering a nuclear ultimatum for Grand Traverse County effective tomorrow.

Flint Police investigating homicide of 50-year-old man on Stewart Avenue in Flint

I'm just going to link Judge Dredd again, because I find it funny. mushmorton's absolutely on a roll here, with far more "kill 'em all!" comments than I have clever responses. I take comfort in the precious illusion that he is actually a shut-in who spends his days reading MLive, watching survivalist videos, and caressing his rifle collection. In actuality, I probably passed him at Meijer last week.

Insult To Injury [UPDATED]

Flint civil rights activist C. Frederick Robinson killed in shooting Friday night

How do you make a depressing story even more depressing? By needlessly slandering an exemplary man in order to score race-baiting points!

And: Flint civil rights activist C. Frederick Robinson becomes 29th homicide victim in city whose history he helped write

Bear in mind that this is the man who spearheaded a successful 1968 campaign that made Flint the first city in the nation to ban housing discrimination. This is before ACORN existed, people. Not all "community activists" know each other.

[Updated: two days later, Flint commenters are just beginning to hit their stride: C. Frederick Robinson was a 'champion of the under-served,' admirers say

Baseless, context-free allegations; routine insults of journalists and their papers; pleasure that undesirable persons have been eliminated: my day is complete! Just give me a little homophobia, or some Islam-bashing, and I'll be good to go.]

Bitches Be Crazy, Yo

Jury could decide fate of Midland County woman accused of putting out Bay City woman's eye with spike-heeled shoe

Oh, just let the women fight it out. Everyone knows that stupid sluts can't control themselves when they hit the bottle. They were probably both on the rag.

I Am Beginning To Perceive A Theme

18-year-old man stabbed in Flint; refuses to talk to police

People. The cops are not in charge of the hospital. The hospital is in charge of the hospital. You're welcome. Also: since he refused to identify suspects, the police cannot press charges. If there are no criminal charges, there's no investigation to obstruct. Declining to speak to police is not a crime. But wait, there's more!

The Hippocratic Oath is Only for People We Like, Part III

Man with buckshot in legs flags down ambulance, refuses to talk to police

Wouldn't it be nice if approval for emergency medical procedures were outsourced to MLive commenters? I'm sure that everyone's taxes and insurance bills will go down immediately once hospitals are authorized to let people bleed to death in the street.

They Get A Little Out Of Hand Around The Holidays

County called in to help combat Flint structure fires Saturday night

Oh, don't worry. That's just celebratory arson. It's a custom among The Coloreds.

No Catchy Headline Today, Sorry

Sonia Robertson gets long prison term for stabbing, biting, shoplifting attempt at Kmart

The dehumanization is so complete that Robertson doesn't even merit a gendered pronoun. It's coldness combined with proper sentence structure that worries me most, because these are the people who vote.

Won't The Bugs Just Crawl Under The Fence, Though?

From the Comments: Readers critical of Flint's South Side Task Force prostitution sting

Apparently the city got a federal grant earmarked for anti-prostitution enforcement. They're not getting their money's worth, though, as they only managed to arrest three women and one man.

Instead of resorting to same-old, same-old complaints that government is misusing taxpayers' money or ignoring more serious crimes, haveafunday goes for the gold. Racism and eliminationism for the win!

All You Perverts Are The Same Anyway

Teen sentenced to prison for engaging in sexual activity with 5-year-old

We can always rely on BO to make a bad situation feel even scummier.

"Severely gay" means you're, like, a Kinsey 10.

Ladies, The Weight Of The World Rests On Your Frail Shoulders

From Muskegon: Gun violence: Devising a plan to 'take the neighborhoods back'

Unlike hellomi (who is female), I do not possess Special Woman Powers that allow me to exert long-distance mind control over boyfriends and male relatives, thus keeping them on the path of virtue. This renders me morally culpable for any number of crimes that may or may not have been committed by any man I have ever dated or shared living space with. I await your condemnation and social ostracism!

And from Saginaw: Trial to continue today for Saginaw man accused of sexually assaulting young girl five times

Special Woman Powers also come in handy for divining whether one's boyfriend is likely to commit crimes in the future.

Due diligence: not just for the legal profession. Steal your boyfriend's ID and run a criminal background check on him, ladies. If you don't, be prepared to shoulder the downfall of civilized society.

He Ain't Afraid To Tell It Like It Is

Prosecutors won't bring charges against Warren homeowner who shot teen burglar

True to his name, this commenter lays it all out there:

This in the absence of any pointers referring to the shooter's or victim's race.

Might As Well Go To Jail...All My Friends Are There Already

Young male victim -- believed to be teenager -- shot in Muskegon Heights

Did you know that young black men are better off in Jackson Prison than Muskegon Heights?*

By this logic, an increased murder rate would be a positive development, simultaneously ridding society of undesirables and relieving prison overcrowding. Also, prison is already a godawful place to be, because it's, you know, prison. Making prison worse simply out of spite quickly runs up against a lower bound we call the Eighth Amendment.

No one in Muskegon Heights can hope to achieve the title of Most Ghetto. That honor is reserved for Jason Levy. And I don't recommend going for "Filthiest Person Alive," either. The bar is too high.

* Did you know that when I become a country singer, this will be the title track of my debut album?