OK, OK, Whatever

More than 150 march on Holland City Hall to push for anti-discrimination ordinance change

Can't I be both? Also note that this comment doesn't have any relationship to the article or even the comments surrounding it. This must be the go-to insult for when he's sure someone is wrong on the internet, but can't pinpoint who or how.

Get Your Own House In Order, Buddy [UPDATED]

Letter: Self-righteous left keeps skewing facts

Helpful hints for op-ed writers: when accusing others of self-righteousness, it is usually best to avoid skewing facts. Debunking the writer's claims would take too much time and energy, but the self-righteous tone is unmistakeable.

It's the "kid brother" principle in action: if your big sister looks like she's going to smack you if you poke her one more time, you must be doing something right. Also, please note the limpness of Barney Frank's wrists. Both of them! He really should get that looked at.

[Updated for bonus homophobia.

I automatically inserted a comma into the phrase "a Barney, bro," before I realized czfan wasn't accusing another commenter of being a children's television personality.]

It Takes All Kinds [UPDATED]

Shopper hunts for deals at Flint Township Borders; saddened by closing of store

Truly, there is nothing that cannot become a vehicle for homophobia.

Yes, honey, it's true, but the alternative lifestyles to congregate at Borders were mostly Commodore 64 aficionados and Juggalos.

[Updated for de-clarification:

So basically "nondiscrimination on grounds of sexual orientation" is code for "Would you like amyl nitrate with that?" Also, the homos went out of business? When did that happen? And what does this mean for the future of women's softball?

We Find Your Biology Highly Suspect

Court: 'Don't ask, don't tell' will stay in place

It's not clear if he's referring to Beck the MLive commenter or the actual Glenn Beck. Regardless, a person over the age of 10 just resorted to "That's so gay," which is pathetic.

No kick lines. None of that, now! Also, can we define "biological correctness"? Is that like being cisgender, or is it a special status that must be earned? Is there a point system for assessing one's relative correctness, and if so who administers it? Do the certificates expire? Like, say, this one dude is really tough, except for that girly shit he's into. Will points be deducted, and can he get them back by threatening to beat up the administrators? All told, I'd rather perform as a flamer.

Three Out Of Four Gets You Nowhere

Report: Amber DeVoe, Zeeland native missing from Boston, home safe

For your delectation I offer the denouement of a short-lived Missing White Girl story. Nearly every element is present, except the most crucial: proper gender presentation. Apparently if you are not a delicate flower of femininity you will be required to reimburse Fox News for airtime spent discussing your disappearance, payable in full immediately upon your return.

I'm particularly taken with underdog's show of faux-concern. A successful search, by his definition, isn't one where the missing person returns safely; it's a search that is worth its weight in tabloid copy. In order to compensate the volunteers for their time, DeVoe should have been courteous enough to surface raped, traumatized, dead, mutilated, or some combination of the above.

Boston police confirm Amber DeVoe, missing since late June, has been found

A related story and a now-vanished comment:

If DeVoe appeared less butch, I don't doubt commenters would have developed a string of cockamamie crypto-racist hypotheses for what might have happened to her in the weeks she was away. Because, you know, black people come from Jamaica. I mean Jamaica Plain. Whatever.

Make Up Your Mind, Buddy

Westboro Baptist Church, known for picketing soldiers' funerals, targets Betty Ford funeral

Make no mistake: B'wana's antipathy for the Westboro crazies was not accompanied by a change of heart vis-a-vis the homos, as seen below. He invariably comments on any article covering the gay community with some variant on "whiners should quit whining." I particularly like his use of "appeasers," though. It implies that the gays are not simply a cultural force, but a quasi-military one, taunted at one's peril.

Let's break this down. Westboro pickets Betty Ford's funeral? NOT OK. Westboro pickets Matthew Shepherd's funeral? OK. Westboro pickets a soldier's funeral? NOT OK. Westboro pickets a gay soldier's funeral? He's going to have to get back to you on that one.

We Got Your Answer Right Here

Family denies report that missing Zeeland native Amber DeVoe has been found

Check the accompanying photograph for an answer to Bill's question.

She may well have run away to escape assholes like CHETDROMAN.

Advanced Threadjacking 201

Column: Gays won't destroy marriage, but they deserve the right to try

We find your fluffy human-interest blog insufficiently fluffy:

He seems positively offended that Heller had the temerity to offer his perspective on a major national news story. Why isn't this headline "Area woman dry-cleans dead uncle's regimental flag"? He would even accept "Cub Scout troop makes huge mess baking American flag cake."

Just like opposite-sex couples get premarital counseling, same-sex couples get certified to perform abortions. It's not clear if they are to abort their own babies, or the babies of liberal couples they meet on craigslist.

A Scourge Worse Than Homos

Businesses worry Holland's anti-gay vote could hurt efforts to attract and retain talent

Of course you know that homosexuals rape schoolchildren, but did you know that Mexicans rape schoolchildren and then steal their lunch money?

Well, now you do. Incontrovertible evidence!

I Want To Live Where The Deviants Are

Does West Michigan need more visible minority and gay faces to attract a creative class?

Not content with a single variety of hate, commenters once again pivot from homophobia to racism. The prospect of unpacking a comment with such density of falsehoods and erroneous beliefs daunts me. Instead, I invite you to think kind thoughts about your favorite hip-hop musicians, graffiti artists, homosexuals, and gardeners.

Does your proposed perverts' dystopia have universal healthcare? Strong job market? Living wage? I am so there, like yesterday.

We Don't Need You Freeloaders Anyway

Does West Michigan need more visible minority and gay faces to attract a creative class?

goatluvin2 has an ironic name, and a muddled message, favoring a diverse local economy but a homogenous local population. Those old Rust Belt cities may have greater ethnic and cultural diversity than West Michigan, but continue to struggle economically because the gays and coloreds have no work ethic. Only white Christians free-marketeers have the gumption to make this "capitalism" thing work. And no, I have no idea how Muslim-bashing relates to anything.

I don't know, maybe people get the impression that conservatives aren't creative after encountering situations where conservative voices condemn difference, attempt to stifle dissent, and treat qualities of interpretation and empathy as morally suspect. You know, the foundations on which creative people build their art.

I will pause only to point out the irony of complaining about "shakedown organizations" while posting an anonymous comment on a free online newspaper. The gays or the Press or Miss PowerDiva or whatever could not take your money if they wanted to.

I Have No Idea What You Think that Means, Part II

Facebook group calls for boycott of Holland following anti-discrimination vote

According to Sage, simply invoking the Lavender Menace and the Red Menace in the same sentence Krazy-Glues them together. I wish he would tell us what the gays want, though. A pair of size 12 patent leather heels? The new Tom of Finland hardcover from Taschen? A raise? Freedom to marry? So ominous!

Don't Let The Gays In The Lab, People

Letter: No good comes to kids who come out of closet

"It," below, refers to the AIDS epidemic.

Little-known fact: in the late 1970s, a San Francisco leatherman/tranny cabal concocted a lethal virus that would...decimate the gay community. Oh. Funny how that worked out.

Elsewhere on the thread, two commenters attempting to promote compassion and acceptance of the homos in our midst are themselves attacked as narrow-minded and hateful. Sometimes irony is funny; sometimes it's just depressing.

Two Bigots For The Price Of One

Letter: Gay-Straight Alliance can play necessary role

Astronomy Teacher respectfully disagrees with homosexuals regarding their right to exist, tis_himself calls them out, and they go at it over three pages of comments. BO can't resist the opportunity to get in a good jab:

First, BO is mistaken. Second, who actually uses "spade" as a racial slur these days? And third, why does he attempt to derail every thread with faux anti-racist non sequiturs?

Breaking: Holland Gay Community Actually Exists

Editorial: Why the Holland City Council should increase gay rights protections

Given the Grand Rapids Press' track record on political endorsements, if their editorial board concludes that anti-gay discrimination is wrong you can be sure that equality has gone mainstream. No, no, say commenters: this is an example of burdensome government regulation! You're supposed to oppose that kind of thing!

The irony is that anti-gay measures like sodomy laws are about as controlling and intrusive as government regulation can get. Also: thanks, Shamuzoo!

Those pansies, mincing around as if they thought the equal protection clause applied to them! Next thing you know they'll want to get married and join the military. The nerve!

All You Perverts Are The Same Anyway

Teen sentenced to prison for engaging in sexual activity with 5-year-old

We can always rely on BO to make a bad situation feel even scummier.

"Severely gay" means you're, like, a Kinsey 10.

Gay Capital of Michigan Debates Formally Acknowledging Existence of Homosexuality

Saugatuck Schools to decide if gay/lesbian 'coming out' video should be in sex ed class

Once again, commenters come out in force to defend their right to discriminate against gays, while warding off phantom discrimination against Christians. Here, mdewey does my work for me:

It's heartening to see this kind of pushback. It's disheartening to see commenters state that they would speak hate to Jesus.

I will acknowledge that HalloweenJack may have a valid point on the day that a same-sex version of The Bachelor airs on national television.

Commenters Ask: Where's the Hate? [UPDATED]

Gay Straight Alliance faces some opposition at Columbia Central High School

Once again, the very existence of a support group for gay and questioning teenagers constitutes an existential threat to heterosexuality. Surprisingly, most commenters hold off on blatant hate in favor of a passive-aggressive approach.

For every Exodus International "success story," there's a corresponding high-profile sex scandal, usually involving evangelical preachers and rent boys. I'm just saying.

It's rare to find an MLive commenter calling on others to lower the level of discourse.

For the record, this commenter is an idiot. The allegedly "censored" remarks are still online as of this post:

One gets the impression they're lurking, waiting for someone to point out that they're being hateful, so they can claim they're being stifled by political correctness.

It's like this: you can laugh at whatever jokes you want, as long as I can continue to remind you why laughing at those jokes makes you a hateful, mean-spirited person.

[Updated: I found the hate!

Seeing as the Senate repealed Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and the Supreme Court ruled that outlawing butt sex was unconstitutional, BO hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Don't tell BO, but I think Fantabulous Fudge employees might already be married.

It's possible he's confusing "abhorrent" with "aberrant." Then again, maybe he does feel that strongly.]

He's Not Too Chicken To Share His Opinions

Mona Shores chicken prank not so funny after all

If it begins with throwing chickens over walls, it's going to end badly. In this case, with chicken shit and suspension.

I think this is a dissenting view, but it's hard to tell what thor is talking about. One thing is clear: people he doesn't like are having the kind of sex he doesn't approve of. Other comments provide no clarification. In related news, I now favor comma rationing.

Yes, Every Single One of Them

Parents who don't pay child support could get the boot from Friend of the Court

Every divorce law- or child support-related article is guaranteed to descend into a morass of stupid lazy bitches, corrupt county employees, etc. Et voila:

Note that per a related article ("The wheel boot is a better alternative than jail for parents behind on child support payments, official says"), Friend of the Court  only possesses two boots. I will hazard a guess, based on the 77 total comments, that there are more than two deadbeat dads in Jackson County. If FOC boots two cars, the rest of the deadbeat dads can just team up and organize a ride-sharing program. Or they can crack open another Busch and stew about the bitches who did them wrong, whichever.