Agent Of SPECTRE Unmasked

Grand Rapids demonstrators urge lawmakers to take quick action on national debt

The children in question are standing next to their mother; all are holding signs urging Congress to raise the debt ceiling.

Why, he's positively delighted. Him and his cat both.

...Wait A Minute, What?

Buena Vista police obtain warrants for two suspects in death of Ernie Griffin Jr.

To further de-clarify jeff's comment, the article does not mention an "Andre," nor is this the name of the reporter. One thing is clear: white people would never be capable of such a hideous crime. It must be the coloreds.

You mean how people create Facebook pages for their pets? Or are you referring to the study of zoology? Oh. I guess not.

It Takes All Kinds [UPDATED]

Shopper hunts for deals at Flint Township Borders; saddened by closing of store

Truly, there is nothing that cannot become a vehicle for homophobia.

Yes, honey, it's true, but the alternative lifestyles to congregate at Borders were mostly Commodore 64 aficionados and Juggalos.

[Updated for de-clarification:

So basically "nondiscrimination on grounds of sexual orientation" is code for "Would you like amyl nitrate with that?" Also, the homos went out of business? When did that happen? And what does this mean for the future of women's softball?

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

Letter: Right-wing disinformation is agenda-driven, not truth

William's great joy in life is context-free invective. He never bothers to engage the content of the article, only flings insults at other commenters.

You should probably make sure that your comment excoriating someone else for making derogatory statements does not, itself, contain derogatory statements. Also, it took me longer than it should have to decipher "slithead." I had a crazy mental image of a person with an actual slit on the top of the head, kind of like a mail drop.

We Find Your Biology Highly Suspect

Court: 'Don't ask, don't tell' will stay in place

It's not clear if he's referring to Beck the MLive commenter or the actual Glenn Beck. Regardless, a person over the age of 10 just resorted to "That's so gay," which is pathetic.

No kick lines. None of that, now! Also, can we define "biological correctness"? Is that like being cisgender, or is it a special status that must be earned? Is there a point system for assessing one's relative correctness, and if so who administers it? Do the certificates expire? Like, say, this one dude is really tough, except for that girly shit he's into. Will points be deducted, and can he get them back by threatening to beat up the administrators? All told, I'd rather perform as a flamer.

About That Other Shooting

Relatives of July 4 downtown shooting victim upset

Here, the victim states that he "had a feeling something was going to happen," which commenters take as clear evidence that his injuries were an act of gang retribution. Wrong color, wrong neighborhood, no sympathy.

I had no idea that getting shot could land you in prison. Now I'll have to be extra careful! Also, grsteve appears unaware that Marcus Garvey is no longer with us.

Even if it were legally plausible to deport an American citizen, it's unclear where he would be expected to go. Possible compromise: American citizens can be deported under certain circumstances, but only to Ruritania or the Savage Land.

Breaking: black people do not pay taxes! Are they even American citizens? Maybe we can deport them after all. Sadly, Marcus Garvey is no longer with us, and cannot offer guidance.

Make Up Your Mind, Buddy

Westboro Baptist Church, known for picketing soldiers' funerals, targets Betty Ford funeral

Make no mistake: B'wana's antipathy for the Westboro crazies was not accompanied by a change of heart vis-a-vis the homos, as seen below. He invariably comments on any article covering the gay community with some variant on "whiners should quit whining." I particularly like his use of "appeasers," though. It implies that the gays are not simply a cultural force, but a quasi-military one, taunted at one's peril.

Let's break this down. Westboro pickets Betty Ford's funeral? NOT OK. Westboro pickets Matthew Shepherd's funeral? OK. Westboro pickets a soldier's funeral? NOT OK. Westboro pickets a gay soldier's funeral? He's going to have to get back to you on that one.

Advanced Threadjacking 201

Column: Gays won't destroy marriage, but they deserve the right to try

We find your fluffy human-interest blog insufficiently fluffy:

He seems positively offended that Heller had the temerity to offer his perspective on a major national news story. Why isn't this headline "Area woman dry-cleans dead uncle's regimental flag"? He would even accept "Cub Scout troop makes huge mess baking American flag cake."

Just like opposite-sex couples get premarital counseling, same-sex couples get certified to perform abortions. It's not clear if they are to abort their own babies, or the babies of liberal couples they meet on craigslist.

Missing the Gunpoint, Part II

Paul Keep: Reporting about guns riles up readers

The best part about this commentary is watching how closely the commenters Keep highlights track with the list of commenters I've pegged as idiots, bigots, unhealthily bloodthirsty, or some combination of the three. It also gave joy to my heart to see profane Mexican slang printed in the Sunday Grand Rapids Press.*

Please note that commenters are referring to a publication that endorsed John McCain. "Liberal," in this context, means "slightly to the right of Kim Jong-il." But let's get down to the real business at hand: abortion!

It pains me to have to explain this, Jon, but we cannot require a permit to have an abortion for the same reasons that we cannot require a permit to have a baby. Also, do you propose a minimum age for abortions,  and if so do you believe that requiring a 12-year-old to carry a fetus to term would cause less physical and emotional harm than simply allowing her to get an abortion? Does the background check include a credit report? If a criminal background check turns up child abuse or sex offense charges, will abortion be prescribed or prohibited? Will you track abortions performed in other states, to combat abortion-related border-jumping? Is this like a hunting license, and if so will these permits be issued by the DNR? How long of a waiting period do you propose? Is three weeks enough, or would you rather it were three months? And has it occurred to you that the woman knows abortion ends in death, and is seeking one for that reason?





* Not an ironic statement. Seriously, it made me smile.

And Lo, It Comes To Pass [UPDATED]

Dark Past: Michigan sterilized more than 3,000 people from early 1900s to 1970s

Indeed, commenters do not disappoint.

FlintRobber appears to have read neither the article nor any of the other comnents.

[Updated with more commenters calling for the sterilization of people they don't like, with no apparent sense of irony.

I particularly like this appeal to nostalgia:

I need not remind readers that the past few decades saw vast cultural shifts, one of which being a general movement away from medical paternalism and towards a crazy vision in which everyone, not just straight white middle-income men, deserves basic autonomy and freedom to make informed choices. Of course, absentlyric would conclude that our society is the result of rampant breeding by the unfit.

In this utopia, abortion is free, but consists of ninjast4r beating you in the abdomen until you pass out. Birth control is also free; women below a predetermined income level will be issued a Dick Cheney rubber mask which either they or their partner must wear while engaging in any sexual contact. Also, he really should get in touch with mushmorton. They're a match made in heaven!

The (Literal) Minefield of Adolescence

Pop bottle bombs investigated by police

The depressing part is that when I read the phrase "exploding pop bottles," I instantly assumed meth, though the article doesn't mention drugs or specify which chemicals were involved.

It's hard to tell whether he's joking. I tend to associate bomb-flinging teenagers with guerrilla warfare; if he spent his formative years in a war zone, that would definitely explain some of his inchoate rage.

He's Not Saying, He's Just Saying

Update: Obama administration expected to send staff, untapped funds to Detroit

Yes, Detroit residents have the unmitigated gall to assert themselves when insulted! Uppity folks, too ignorant to know they're inferior.

Just a thought: maybe HUD is getting involved because of the whole "urban development" thing, and the "housing" issue. It's kind of, like, the agency's core mission. I'm just saying.

Yet another lone truth-teller! It depresses me to have to explain this again, but if you have to preface your remarks with "I'm not racist, but," you are probably racist.

Apparently diggee was just asking questions, which makes the comment totally not racist. Or about Obama. This does amp up diggee's troll quotient, though, so everything evens out in the end.

Continued Functioning Of Government Agencies Proves Government Is Bad

Kentwood woman bit by rabid bat in her bedroom

Like other commenters, I too would like to know the identity of WestMichTeaParty's confidant.

Not only is this comment brain-meltingly stupid, it bears an unfortunate resemblance to rape apologists' insinuations that the woman should have done more to prevent her assault. That said, I will resort to bullet points.

1. There is no such thing as a "feral bat." This implies that it was at one time somebody's pet bat, but flew from its loving home only to contract rabies. So sad!

2. How anyone can provoke a bat while asleep is beyond me.

3. There is no such thing as "bat repellent."

4. Kentwood is not widely known to be a "feral bat area," nor do its residents use bed nets. Instead, they donate to NGOs which provide bed nets to those actually at risk of contracting malaria. In, you know, the tropics.

5. I assume by "spotters" he means the woman's dog. Is there a bat-sniffing training course available, and if so do they train the dogs to attack the bats, or simply to locate them?

6. Good luck! I hope you enjoy living in a state of barely-repressed panic, knowing that horrific tragedy could strike at any moment!

Cash prize offered for anyone who can find evidence of a) persuasion or b) a point in the above remarks.* If these government agencies did not exist, the woman in the article would be dead. WestMichTeaParty either doesn't understand this, or considers it an acceptable tradeoff for ideological purity.

Never let it be said that conservatives have no sense of humor.

* Not intended to be a factual statement.

Non-Ironic Use of Ironic Punctuation

E-cigs: No smoke, but some areas are banning them

Old Man Mushmorton is in fine form today, but the content of the article is irrelevant and content of his comment is almost beside the point.

It's thrilling to come across this particular typo in the wild, as it were.

Might As Well Go To Jail...All My Friends Are There Already

Young male victim -- believed to be teenager -- shot in Muskegon Heights

Did you know that young black men are better off in Jackson Prison than Muskegon Heights?*

By this logic, an increased murder rate would be a positive development, simultaneously ridding society of undesirables and relieving prison overcrowding. Also, prison is already a godawful place to be, because it's, you know, prison. Making prison worse simply out of spite quickly runs up against a lower bound we call the Eighth Amendment.

No one in Muskegon Heights can hope to achieve the title of Most Ghetto. That honor is reserved for Jason Levy. And I don't recommend going for "Filthiest Person Alive," either. The bar is too high.

* Did you know that when I become a country singer, this will be the title track of my debut album?

Stop It With Your "Nature." Stop It Immediately!

Michigan's only urban state park sees nature taking root in vacant Detroit plant

Besides the rock-climbing wall and zip lines, planners also envision an interpretive forest, archery range and classroom space in the gutted but structurally sound building. Anthes said the DNR is aiming to open the activity center in the fall of 2012, and it's working with the Detroit Economic Growth Corp. and the developer, Troy-based Labor Management Fund Advisors.

 Seriously, who doesn't like ziplines?

MW33 would rather have the city saddled with yet another deteriorating abandoned building than entertain the possibility that public funds might be used to get urban kids on a climbing wall or bike path. Apparently Detroit doesn't deserve nice things.

For Consideration (Comedy Edition)

Frequent contributor Fpd047 knows exactly one word of Yiddish. Strangely, it's not "chutzpah," however appropriate that may be for a racist who uses a photo of a black man as his profile pic. Previously, he rediscovered a racial slur that escapes MLive's notice. And here: Show of hands? Anyone surprised the feds are investigating Flint?

The more often I read the word, the more it reminds me of is Mel Brooks. Use the Schwartz!

*  Proverbially, a man who murders his parents and then pleads for mercy as an orphan has chutzpah. Barbra Streisand also has chutzpah, for different reasons.

Cats And Dogs Living Together

Father and daughter worked together to extort money for sex, daughter testifies

Commenters soon tired of pointing out the extreme sleaziness of everyone involved in the case, and took to dragging in their betes noire, no matter how irrelevant.

No, the real problem is teachers' unions!

Seeing as neither father nor daughter are public school teachers, and may or may not have attended public schools which may or may not be in Michigan, this comment bears absolutely no relation to the article. Maybe chrisde got lost?

Have a Smoke, Kid --- It'll Cure What Ails Ya

Michigan's smoking ban popular, compliance high, studies say

Kick out the smokers and in come the babies. Apparently bars are now "all ages" establishments, which I imagine comes as a surprise to Michigan servers and bartenders. And smokey, the difference between pinkeye and lung cancer is that pinkeye responds to antibiotics. I'm just saying.

In related news, I'm naming my next punk band "Hedlise and the Snot Jerms."

Yes, Every Single One of Them

Parents who don't pay child support could get the boot from Friend of the Court

Every divorce law- or child support-related article is guaranteed to descend into a morass of stupid lazy bitches, corrupt county employees, etc. Et voila:

Note that per a related article ("The wheel boot is a better alternative than jail for parents behind on child support payments, official says"), Friend of the Court  only possesses two boots. I will hazard a guess, based on the 77 total comments, that there are more than two deadbeat dads in Jackson County. If FOC boots two cars, the rest of the deadbeat dads can just team up and organize a ride-sharing program. Or they can crack open another Busch and stew about the bitches who did them wrong, whichever.