For your delectation I offer the denouement of a short-lived Missing White Girl story. Nearly every element is present, except the most crucial: proper gender presentation. Apparently if you are not a delicate flower of femininity you will be required to reimburse Fox News for airtime spent discussing your disappearance, payable in full immediately upon your return.
I'm particularly taken with underdog's show of faux-concern. A successful search, by his definition, isn't one where the missing person returns safely; it's a search that is worth its weight in tabloid copy. In order to compensate the volunteers for their time, DeVoe should have been courteous enough to surface raped, traumatized, dead, mutilated, or some combination of the above.
Boston police confirm Amber DeVoe, missing since late June, has been found
A related story and a now-vanished comment: