Friday, August 5, 2011

Run Away, Run Away!

Is downtown Saginaw making a comeback? Many say 'yes'

Behold the ultimate take-it-to-eleven Scary Black People paranoiac fantasy:

So the "youths" were standing around. Just, you know, standing. But you don't know, do you! You never know when they'll decide to pounce. One thing is certain; the ideal ratio of cops to black people is on the order of two to one, similar to animal tamers and big cats.

OK, OK, Whatever

More than 150 march on Holland City Hall to push for anti-discrimination ordinance change

Can't I be both? Also note that this comment doesn't have any relationship to the article or even the comments surrounding it. This must be the go-to insult for when he's sure someone is wrong on the internet, but can't pinpoint who or how.

Sometimes Things Are Not Like Other Things

Study: Michigan started national trend this year in cutting unemployment benefits

Sadly, the internet is rife with people unfamiliar with Godwin's Law.

Nothing gets FairVoice frothing at the mouth like a mention of petitions. What past trauma does this animosity conceal? Did a ballpoint pen explode in his hand? Did a canvasser kick his dog? And does he actually like Jews, or does he just like using them as a rhetorical crutch?

Step Away From The Keyboard

Wednesday's Social Security checks will arrive on time after debt ceiling compromise reached

Nobody told me about any liberal campaign of terror. I'm always down for a torch-and-pitchfork flashmob. Seriously, next time you should call me.

His unique spelling gives the comment has a 19th-century flavor. I imagine Mr. R---, of the village of H---, half-rising from his wheeled invalid's chair, consumed with indignation. Those d----d scoundrels! Such villainy!

So it's true? Tom Rademacher is the source of all evil? I suspected as much.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Wow. Just Wow.

Rep. John Conyers fights to spare entitlement programs in second-round of deficit reduction

Let's take this one slowly, point by point.
1. Everyone in Los Angeles is black.
2. Ditto pre-Katrina New Orleans.
3. All black people live in desperate poverty.
4. People living in desperate poverty are subhuman.
5. As subhuman leech-rat-ape things, they cannot control their lizard brains.
6. The solution is preemptive lynching.
Everybody knows that if you spell out a word instead of saying it, children and the simpleminded won't understand what you mean. Lesnar just wants to let the racially pure know that he's got their backs without tipping off the mud people.

Low Blows Aimed High

Aretha Franklin criticizes songwriter over rights lawsuit

It takes chutzpah to badmouth Aretha Franklin.

From this we can conclude: a black person's success is highly suspect, if not actually immoral, and alwasy comes at the expense of a white person's success. Here Aretha Franklin's songwriting partner serves as a stand-in for suffering white people everywhere.

Get Your Own House In Order, Buddy [UPDATED]

Letter: Self-righteous left keeps skewing facts

Helpful hints for op-ed writers: when accusing others of self-righteousness, it is usually best to avoid skewing facts. Debunking the writer's claims would take too much time and energy, but the self-righteous tone is unmistakeable.

It's the "kid brother" principle in action: if your big sister looks like she's going to smack you if you poke her one more time, you must be doing something right. Also, please note the limpness of Barney Frank's wrists. Both of them! He really should get that looked at.

[Updated for bonus homophobia.

I automatically inserted a comma into the phrase "a Barney, bro," before I realized czfan wasn't accusing another commenter of being a children's television personality.]

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

You Are Not a Credit to Your Race, Part II

Lance Adams III, an Illinois police officer, charged with felony for alleged assault of jail deputy after July incident at Michigan Adventure's Amusement Park

Except for this dude. We also like this one. The rest of you better watch yourselves.

I Blame Donald Rumsfeld, Part II

Probable cause hearing slated for Baby Kate's alleged abductor, Sean Michael Phillips, set for 11:15 a.m. Wednesday in Mason County 79th District Court

I declare a moratorium on all variations of the word "waterboard," noun and verb forms both.

Okay, fine, new rule. Want to throw around threats of waterboarding? You will pay me for the privilege. Five dollars per utterance. I take PayPal. Furthermore, evidence for sodium thiopental's efficacy as a truth drug is shaky at best.

This Is Totally Not What The Article Was About

Sales tax for online retailers? John Conyers sponsors bill to 'level the playing field'

I can't help but imagine all the welfare recipients bundled in a European-style shopping bag slung over a hardworking white Christian's back, with little hands and feet sticking out of the mesh, and little voices crying for help.

It's possible that claiming a majority-black Congressional district is by definition an economic drag on the state is in fact racist. Possibly. Of course, the real problem is that white people still have to pay sales tax.

Agent Of SPECTRE Unmasked

Grand Rapids demonstrators urge lawmakers to take quick action on national debt

The children in question are standing next to their mother; all are holding signs urging Congress to raise the debt ceiling.

Why, he's positively delighted. Him and his cat both.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Never Trust An Admissions Officer

$2.1 million in federal grants to help double number of minority nursing students at University of Michigan-Flint

It's not like nearly 67 million people voted for the guy or anything. Well, most of them were colored, so it didn't count. Perhaps Group W Bench knows something we don't: the 2008 Presidential election was actually decided by the admissions board of the University of Michigan-Flint. It stands to reason that the 2000 and 2004 elections must have been decided by the admissions board of Baylor University. Everything makes sense now!

Muslims Are The New Pit Bulls

AWOL soldier defiantly shouts '09 suspect's name

Parlor game: for every mention of radicalized Muslims, substitute the phrases "dangerous dogs" or "vicious pit bulls." That way you can condemn brown people and promote breed specific legislation at the same time. Way to multitask!