Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Everyone's A Traitor Around Here

Readers debate whether MEA's push to recall lawmakers is a show of democracy or a bullying tactic

Definitely bullying. Why, I've known canvassers to buttonhole strangers and threaten to stab them in the eye if they didn't sign the petition. One question: if standing around with a clipboard constitutes giving aid and comfort to the enemy, who exactly is the enemy? If FairVoice won't explain who or what, doesn't that make him an accessory to treason?

The only thing worse that circulating a petition is circulating a petition in wartime. javamama might as well have flown out to Afghanistan just to stab a bunch of soldiers in the eye.

Never The Twain Shall Meet

Worth reading: Americans 'disgusted' with debt ceiling fight; wealth gap between whites, minorities widens

deathby2 appears to believe that the gap between "rich" and "poor" is analogous to the divide between Brahmins and Dalit within the Hindu caste system. Those born poor cannot hope to rise from the squalor of their upbringing; those born rich are magically protected by lion-mounted goddesses. What's worse, the poor are still burdened by the gold standard, leaving them with a fixed pool of available funds. The rich have no such limitations.

So what I want to know is how I can get my hands on some of this "rich people money." Does it look different, or feel different? Or is it one of those things that you can't describe, but you know it when you find it? Has deathby2 ever seen any?

On a side note, deathby2's comment may be linked to the perennial complaint that white women aren't having enough white babies, but it's difficult to say exactly how.

Can I Get A Side Of Bile With That?

It's anger management for Tiffany Nealous who used a baseball bat to dispute a towing charge

His reaction totally has nothing to do with race. No, really.

CHETDROMAN, of course, is a noted aesthete and patron of the arts, whose appreciation for the finer things is matched only by his generosity of spirit.

Monday, July 25, 2011

You Should Also Stop Breathing Air, Parasite

Julie Mack column: American attitude on health-care spending is unhealthy for our economy

I remain convinced that Charles Weyland wears sunglasses in his profile picture to conceal his cold reptilian eyes.

Apparently the only real taxes are income taxes. Sales taxes and license fees and such are more like tipping for service. It follows that as a non-taxpayer I should refrain from burdening the system. It won't be easy. Just today, I've selfishly taken advantage of city roads, municipal sewers, streetlights, sidewalks, interstate highways, non-contaminated food, clean tap water, and smog-free air. Not to mention the government-regulated radio spectrum and government-subsidized electrical grid built on public lands! Tomorrow I plan to make unfair use of the post office and the library.

...Wait A Minute, What?

Buena Vista police obtain warrants for two suspects in death of Ernie Griffin Jr.

To further de-clarify jeff's comment, the article does not mention an "Andre," nor is this the name of the reporter. One thing is clear: white people would never be capable of such a hideous crime. It must be the coloreds.

You mean how people create Facebook pages for their pets? Or are you referring to the study of zoology? Oh. I guess not.

Another One From The Vault

Craft brewer sues state Liquor Control Commission, claims rejecting profanity on beer label violates free speech

To clarify: way back in March, Flying Dog Brewery had a bit of a dust-up with the LCC over the label of their "Raging Bitch" ale, and MLive commenters derived the false impression that they had been asked to serve as moral arbiters in the matter.

Come for the liberal-bashing, stay for the misogyny!

Drive-By Elocution Lessons

Universities training teachers under fire for quantity, quality of grads

It's refreshing to see a common-sense perspective, free of gratuitous bashing. Oh, wait.

Hey, you guys, were you aware of the lexical phenomenon African-American Vernacular English? And did you know that the president is black? These facts taken together amount to a tsunami of hilarity. Also, anyone over the age of 18 using the phrase "LOL" is legally barred from casting aspersions on anyone else's diction.

Friday, July 22, 2011

You Give And You Give, And It's Never Enough

Father of Cherie Irving calls three sentenced in connection with her death selfish, careless, unapologetic

Always adaptable, commenters will attack the father if there's no mother available.

Not only should he have prevented his daughter from becoming a drug addict with the power of his mind, he should pay the legal fees and cost of incarcerating the people who tried to conceal her body. After all, if the drug-addled slut hadn't called up her friend to demand a fix, none of this would have happened! It's victim-blaming taken to absurd extremes.

Tick Another One Off The List

Shooting of probationer by Lenawee County sheriff's deputy was justified, police said today

Textbook example of eugenics: check.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I Can't Decide If I Should Listen To What He Says Or What He Means

Mac Miller brings rap show to Grand Rapids' Orbit Room this fall

Here BO demonstrates his mastery of sarcasm.

One wonders what rationalizations he would have to employ to accommodate religious hip-hop within his definition of polite society. Matisyahu's recent Zohar blogging would probably make his head explode.

It Takes All Kinds [UPDATED]

Shopper hunts for deals at Flint Township Borders; saddened by closing of store

Truly, there is nothing that cannot become a vehicle for homophobia.

Yes, honey, it's true, but the alternative lifestyles to congregate at Borders were mostly Commodore 64 aficionados and Juggalos.

[Updated for de-clarification:

So basically "nondiscrimination on grounds of sexual orientation" is code for "Would you like amyl nitrate with that?" Also, the homos went out of business? When did that happen? And what does this mean for the future of women's softball?

You Let Them Play Outside, Lady. What Did You Expect?

Grand Rapids police: two life-threatening injuries after driver hits 2-year-old, then stabbed by bystander

Yes, and you are a bad mother!

Clearly, if she didn't have an MLive account, she would have been able to use her Amazing Mommy Powers to tug the child out of the road or divert the vehicle. 

tw491 sounds almost disappointed that more children are not killed by cars, as this would support the argument that they should be kept on leashes until puberty. Liz counters that children should actually be herded in pens, like goats. One thing is clear: however you decide to raise your children, you are doing it wrong.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

Letter: Right-wing disinformation is agenda-driven, not truth

William's great joy in life is context-free invective. He never bothers to engage the content of the article, only flings insults at other commenters.

You should probably make sure that your comment excoriating someone else for making derogatory statements does not, itself, contain derogatory statements. Also, it took me longer than it should have to decipher "slithead." I had a crazy mental image of a person with an actual slit on the top of the head, kind of like a mail drop.

We Find Your Biology Highly Suspect

Court: 'Don't ask, don't tell' will stay in place

It's not clear if he's referring to Beck the MLive commenter or the actual Glenn Beck. Regardless, a person over the age of 10 just resorted to "That's so gay," which is pathetic.

No kick lines. None of that, now! Also, can we define "biological correctness"? Is that like being cisgender, or is it a special status that must be earned? Is there a point system for assessing one's relative correctness, and if so who administers it? Do the certificates expire? Like, say, this one dude is really tough, except for that girly shit he's into. Will points be deducted, and can he get them back by threatening to beat up the administrators? All told, I'd rather perform as a flamer.

Three Out Of Four Gets You Nowhere

Report: Amber DeVoe, Zeeland native missing from Boston, home safe

For your delectation I offer the denouement of a short-lived Missing White Girl story. Nearly every element is present, except the most crucial: proper gender presentation. Apparently if you are not a delicate flower of femininity you will be required to reimburse Fox News for airtime spent discussing your disappearance, payable in full immediately upon your return.

I'm particularly taken with underdog's show of faux-concern. A successful search, by his definition, isn't one where the missing person returns safely; it's a search that is worth its weight in tabloid copy. In order to compensate the volunteers for their time, DeVoe should have been courteous enough to surface raped, traumatized, dead, mutilated, or some combination of the above.

Boston police confirm Amber DeVoe, missing since late June, has been found

A related story and a now-vanished comment:

If DeVoe appeared less butch, I don't doubt commenters would have developed a string of cockamamie crypto-racist hypotheses for what might have happened to her in the weeks she was away. Because, you know, black people come from Jamaica. I mean Jamaica Plain. Whatever.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Three Quick Hits (Okay, Four)

Update: Evening shooting results in Saginaw's sixth homicide

Like knock-knock jokes, but racist!

The only thing missing is pseudo-urban dialect. Oh, wait.

Just Putting The Idea Out There

Man shot twice while taking out trash in Flint

czfan doesn't mince words:

Usually commenters make dire predictions about the inevitable race war, but stop short of calling for violence.

Your Personal Waybac Machine

Two-year old son of child murderer Jeffrey Malmberg will not be reunited with his mother

Sometimes a commenter produces a screed so vile that someone actually flags it for removal. I know, crazy, isn't it? Such is the case with the comment below.

A nod towards "Mooslems," or perhaps unions, would really take things to the next level, but Chetdroman runs out of steam. When challenged, he returns with rationalizations, but the magic is gone.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Can't Take A Joke, Can You

Teen mother of baby found dead in Port Hope attic to be charged

You may remember this story from an April blog post, in which we learned that the appropriate response to desperate poverty, abuse, and incest is yet another hillbilly joke. Three months on, the same holds true.

Elsewhere on the thread, suegee47 allows that if the close relative of a 13-year-old girl impregnates her, it could possibly have been rape, and outtaBC4good states the girl should be sent to "mental rehab" to learn personal hygiene, or possibly how to choose better parents. Also:

The absence of welfare, obviously, would spur the family towards entrepreneurship, perhaps in the pharmaceutical field

They Got That DNA From Somewhere, Buddy

Michigan Supreme Court rules homeless sex offenders must report addresses to authorities

The slogan hasn't been too quick to catch on, but he's giving it another try.

Contra Ray, Justice Department statistics show that 60% of rapes are never even reported. The lie, in these cases, is that nothing happened and she's going to be just fine.

He also overlooks the fact that exonerating DNA evidence is, by definition, evidence that a woman has been raped, albeit by someone other than the man originally convicted. Unlike chupacabras, women do not stalk by night to suck men's, ah, DNA samples for nourishment and nefarious purposes. 

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Perverts Everywhere

SMART suspends Metro Detroit bus driver who ordered breast-feeding mother off vehicle

She understands that somewhere, someone is breast-feeding her baby, but she doesn't want to think about it too much. Women's bodies are just icky, and only retarded whores believe otherwise.

I'm Sure Everything Will Be Fine, Dear

Grand Rapids Police to step up foot patrols downtown in effort to improve safety

Next step: internal passport controls! Grand Rapids' four geographic divisions will be treated as separate cantons, similar to post-war occupied Vienna. In order to pass between neighborhoods, all residents must present documents stating the purpose of their journey. If civilization is crumbling, martial law might not be a bad idea, in which case foot patrols won't cut it. The cops demand rocket-powered motorcycles, with spikes and lasers and things.

Covering All The Bases

Michigan Senate approves tighter 48-month welfare limit

Sometimes, I stumble across comments that blend multiple forms of hate into a perfect storm of ignorance. This is one of them. Sluts, forced sterilization, demonization of poor people, calls for personal responsibility, positioning of self as a lone truth-teller: he's got it all

Strangely, rightside's vision of personal accountability involves eliminating the right of self-determination, not to mention establishing an intrusive fascistic nanny state.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I Will De-Gentrify You With My Ghetto Renter Powers

8,687 homes empty in Jackson County; one in seven houses are vacant in city

But don't even think about renting them out, especially not to poor people.

I would guess that southbeagle also opposes cash-grant and subsidized-loan programs that bring the cost of real estate within the reach of low-income families. Can't have the government coddling people, but then you can't have people renting houses. Such a bind!

Vacant houses attract raccoons, vandals, and crackheads; these, however, are preferable to actual rent-paying tenants.

Learning that my friends and I are personally working towards the destruction of our respective neighborhoods really brightened my day. I had no idea we possessed such power!

I Get My Food Stamps From Sallie Mae

From the comments: Horn: Proposal for four-year life limit on welfare in Michigan could spur entrepreneurship

How, exactly, people are supposed to transform from "living paycheck to meager paycheck" to "successful small-business startup" never becomes clear, so don't bother scouring the article for hot tips.

In charlie's world, even the school of hard knocks charges tuition. He also seems to have spent the Clinton Administration in a fugue state, having never heard of this thing called welfare reform.

Monday, July 11, 2011

About That Other Shooting

Relatives of July 4 downtown shooting victim upset

Here, the victim states that he "had a feeling something was going to happen," which commenters take as clear evidence that his injuries were an act of gang retribution. Wrong color, wrong neighborhood, no sympathy.

I had no idea that getting shot could land you in prison. Now I'll have to be extra careful! Also, grsteve appears unaware that Marcus Garvey is no longer with us.

Even if it were legally plausible to deport an American citizen, it's unclear where he would be expected to go. Possible compromise: American citizens can be deported under certain circumstances, but only to Ruritania or the Savage Land.

Breaking: black people do not pay taxes! Are they even American citizens? Maybe we can deport them after all. Sadly, Marcus Garvey is no longer with us, and cannot offer guidance.

Make Up Your Mind, Buddy

Westboro Baptist Church, known for picketing soldiers' funerals, targets Betty Ford funeral

Make no mistake: B'wana's antipathy for the Westboro crazies was not accompanied by a change of heart vis-a-vis the homos, as seen below. He invariably comments on any article covering the gay community with some variant on "whiners should quit whining." I particularly like his use of "appeasers," though. It implies that the gays are not simply a cultural force, but a quasi-military one, taunted at one's peril.

Let's break this down. Westboro pickets Betty Ford's funeral? NOT OK. Westboro pickets Matthew Shepherd's funeral? OK. Westboro pickets a soldier's funeral? NOT OK. Westboro pickets a gay soldier's funeral? He's going to have to get back to you on that one.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Apropos Of Nothing

In wake of most recent brawl at The Rocket, Jackson police seeking to have bar's liquor license revoked

Wildly inappropriate analogy in three, two...

It's not clear if he's referring to The Rocket bar or Jackson as a whole, or what he's using as his start point. Also notable is the apparent belief that black people seethe in filth, while white people live on sunbeams and shit glitter.

We Got Your Answer Right Here

Family denies report that missing Zeeland native Amber DeVoe has been found

Check the accompanying photograph for an answer to Bill's question.

She may well have run away to escape assholes like CHETDROMAN.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Advanced Threadjacking 201

Column: Gays won't destroy marriage, but they deserve the right to try

We find your fluffy human-interest blog insufficiently fluffy:

He seems positively offended that Heller had the temerity to offer his perspective on a major national news story. Why isn't this headline "Area woman dry-cleans dead uncle's regimental flag"? He would even accept "Cub Scout troop makes huge mess baking American flag cake."

Just like opposite-sex couples get premarital counseling, same-sex couples get certified to perform abortions. It's not clear if they are to abort their own babies, or the babies of liberal couples they meet on craigslist.

Your Race Card Was Denied

Guest column: Emergency manager law upends notions of democracy

I will not attempt to wade further into this thread, which by now has 114 comments. Instead, a glorious tangent:

Which is to say, he likes black people as long as they uphold the interests of rich white men and steer clear of anything that might benefit the black community. BO was counting on Powell to bite the bullet and endorse McCain. He needed to be able to point to a black public figure he approved of in order to demonstrate his commitment to non-racist political discourse. Now he might have to resort to Condoleezza Rice, and she's a chick so it doesn't really count.

For reference, if I had to choose between Herman Cain and a refrigerator I would go for the refrigerator, especially if it had a built-in ice machine.

Threadjacking 101

Six people arrested at the Rocket Club following fight early Sunday morning

Blah blah ghetto creatures culture of violence blah blah stupid rap music blah pedophiles wait what?

I have no idea what just happened, or why we are now arguing over whether thsee should go to hell or Canada.

And there I went, believing that the Constitution applied equally to all American citizens. How foolish of me!

They're Sick, They Can't Help Themselves

Three Flint residents shot while leaving nightclub

I don't mean to sound crazy or anything, but I'm about to cite an unhinged mass murderer's predictions of total race war.

So black people are infected with the rage? Has the CDC been notified? Should we begin implementing our Zombie Apocalypse Long-Term Survival Strategies? And can you get back to me on this real soon now?