Another One From The Vault

Craft brewer sues state Liquor Control Commission, claims rejecting profanity on beer label violates free speech

To clarify: way back in March, Flying Dog Brewery had a bit of a dust-up with the LCC over the label of their "Raging Bitch" ale, and MLive commenters derived the false impression that they had been asked to serve as moral arbiters in the matter.

Come for the liberal-bashing, stay for the misogyny!

Three Out Of Four Gets You Nowhere

Report: Amber DeVoe, Zeeland native missing from Boston, home safe

For your delectation I offer the denouement of a short-lived Missing White Girl story. Nearly every element is present, except the most crucial: proper gender presentation. Apparently if you are not a delicate flower of femininity you will be required to reimburse Fox News for airtime spent discussing your disappearance, payable in full immediately upon your return.

I'm particularly taken with underdog's show of faux-concern. A successful search, by his definition, isn't one where the missing person returns safely; it's a search that is worth its weight in tabloid copy. In order to compensate the volunteers for their time, DeVoe should have been courteous enough to surface raped, traumatized, dead, mutilated, or some combination of the above.

Boston police confirm Amber DeVoe, missing since late June, has been found

A related story and a now-vanished comment:

If DeVoe appeared less butch, I don't doubt commenters would have developed a string of cockamamie crypto-racist hypotheses for what might have happened to her in the weeks she was away. Because, you know, black people come from Jamaica. I mean Jamaica Plain. Whatever.

Your Personal Waybac Machine

Two-year old son of child murderer Jeffrey Malmberg will not be reunited with his mother

Sometimes a commenter produces a screed so vile that someone actually flags it for removal. I know, crazy, isn't it? Such is the case with the comment below.

A nod towards "Mooslems," or perhaps unions, would really take things to the next level, but Chetdroman runs out of steam. When challenged, he returns with rationalizations, but the magic is gone.

They Got That DNA From Somewhere, Buddy

Michigan Supreme Court rules homeless sex offenders must report addresses to authorities

The slogan hasn't been too quick to catch on, but he's giving it another try.

Contra Ray, Justice Department statistics show that 60% of rapes are never even reported. The lie, in these cases, is that nothing happened and she's going to be just fine.

He also overlooks the fact that exonerating DNA evidence is, by definition, evidence that a woman has been raped, albeit by someone other than the man originally convicted. Unlike chupacabras, women do not stalk by night to suck men's, ah, DNA samples for nourishment and nefarious purposes. 

Perverts Everywhere

SMART suspends Metro Detroit bus driver who ordered breast-feeding mother off vehicle

She understands that somewhere, someone is breast-feeding her baby, but she doesn't want to think about it too much. Women's bodies are just icky, and only retarded whores believe otherwise.

Covering All The Bases

Michigan Senate approves tighter 48-month welfare limit

Sometimes, I stumble across comments that blend multiple forms of hate into a perfect storm of ignorance. This is one of them. Sluts, forced sterilization, demonization of poor people, calls for personal responsibility, positioning of self as a lone truth-teller: he's got it all

Strangely, rightside's vision of personal accountability involves eliminating the right of self-determination, not to mention establishing an intrusive fascistic nanny state.

Let's Play Boy Detective!

Mother of missing Ludington baby thinks suspect 'snapped' under pressure

I would rather commenters simply stated that the stupid slut should have known better than to get knocked up, rather than make insinuations based on her appearance.

We're really taking it to the next level here. Does jepe1975 possess a generic photograph marked "Heartbroken Parent (Female)" for purposes of comparison? Are sackcloth and ashes required, or will red-rimmed eyes suffice?

All Ray, All The Time

SlutWalk hits Grand Rapids streets, crowd marches to stop victim blaming

I can't tell if this comment stems from chutzpah or cluelessness. Either way, Kevin, dear, you are the reason women organize SlutWalks.

Amazingly, unshaven feminist harridans don't make an appearance until late in the thread.

Ray is back with a vengeance and a new user account. His old account is still visible, but hasn't been active since June 6 and may have been blocked.

Women, you may not have been aware of this, but when you found yourselves in possession of vaginas, you should have taken the necessary steps to register them with Raymond Pistachio. At that time he will collect the licensing fee, issue all necessary papers. Each licensed vagina-holder will also receive a small device pre-programmed with mp3s discussing sexual assault and harassment. Audio clips consist of an enraged male voice, presumably Ray's, shouting No!, Shut up, bitch!, and That's not rape...this is rape!. Vagina-holders are encouraged to refer to these clips whenever they feel an attack of self-confidence or bodily autonomy.

Very few people are aware that unlawful possession of a vagina is prosecuted as a misdemeanor in Saginaw. If the vagina-holder is pregnant, the charge becomes "possession with intent to distribute."

In actual rape cases the prosecution tends to weed out raging misogynists during the jury selection phase, but Ray is clutching at a distant dream of jury nullification.

We Are Delicate Flowers

Burton woman killed in Flint crash that broke apart motorcycle and overturned pickup truck

Did you know that once you give birth, you are morally obligated to devote your every waking thought and breath to your offspring?

He's not calling her a bad mother or anything. He's just asking questions.

Bitches Be Crazy, Yo

Jury could decide fate of Midland County woman accused of putting out Bay City woman's eye with spike-heeled shoe

Oh, just let the women fight it out. Everyone knows that stupid sluts can't control themselves when they hit the bottle. They were probably both on the rag.

Ladies, The Weight Of The World Rests On Your Frail Shoulders

From Muskegon: Gun violence: Devising a plan to 'take the neighborhoods back'

Unlike hellomi (who is female), I do not possess Special Woman Powers that allow me to exert long-distance mind control over boyfriends and male relatives, thus keeping them on the path of virtue. This renders me morally culpable for any number of crimes that may or may not have been committed by any man I have ever dated or shared living space with. I await your condemnation and social ostracism!

And from Saginaw: Trial to continue today for Saginaw man accused of sexually assaulting young girl five times

Special Woman Powers also come in handy for divining whether one's boyfriend is likely to commit crimes in the future.

Due diligence: not just for the legal profession. Steal your boyfriend's ID and run a criminal background check on him, ladies. If you don't, be prepared to shoulder the downfall of civilized society.

Stay Classy, Jackson

Waitresses clad in bikinis to serve food and drinks at vacant Big Apple bar

Concept sound familiar? Yes, it's Grand Rapids' own Tini Bikini's, preparing to open a Jackson location. The establishment will provide much-needed employment opportunities for stupid whores on food stamps.

Men feeling certain urges will be relieved to hear that at bikini bars, anything goes! Everyone knows a whore can't cry rape.

No, WilliesBrat, you are setting back women's rights 50 years by coming down in favor of victim-blaming.

Style-Conscious Maggots

Flint teen missing after running away Saturday

No one is surprised that Old Man Mushmorton doesn't keep up with youth fashions.

While accurate, John's response is not conducive to a high level of discourse.

Contra mushmorton, she is in dreadful peril of being sold into White Slavery against her will.

Imjustsayin calls out czfan on his racism, but in the process re-smears the girl as a dirty whore. Nice job, buddy.

Yes, Every Single One of Them

Parents who don't pay child support could get the boot from Friend of the Court

Every divorce law- or child support-related article is guaranteed to descend into a morass of stupid lazy bitches, corrupt county employees, etc. Et voila:

Note that per a related article ("The wheel boot is a better alternative than jail for parents behind on child support payments, official says"), Friend of the Court  only possesses two boots. I will hazard a guess, based on the 77 total comments, that there are more than two deadbeat dads in Jackson County. If FOC boots two cars, the rest of the deadbeat dads can just team up and organize a ride-sharing program. Or they can crack open another Busch and stew about the bitches who did them wrong, whichever.

Girls Better Not Be Having Fun If They Know What's Good For Them

Turnaround Achievement student spotlight: Mar'keidra Canada

You thought this would be an inspiring story, but in fact it's a prime opportunity for slut-shaming.

The picture in question shows her wearing a minidress, possibly at a club. It's blurry, but she's definitely smiling. How dare she go out to a club! How dare she let anyone take a photograph of her looking sexy! How dare she have fun when she has the honor of two foundations and a corporation to uphold!

Also, it appears that she has already learned how to use the privacy features on Facebook.

How to Tell If You Have Been Raped [UPDATED]

Doctors convicted of rape could lose Michigan license

Commenter raymondpistachio is fond of declaring that assault and sexual harassment of women are part of a nefarious feminist plot, and that every rape is another salvo in the covert "War on Men." As far as I can tell he has no interest in any other topic.

Thus far, ray has confined himself to dismissing all sexual assault or harassment cases as either fabricated or somehow not rape. He knows where the boundary lies, and won't actually deny that rape occurs, and that it is a criminal act. I have taken to amusing myself* by imagining, in excruciating detail, exactly what must transpire in order for raymondpistachio to deem the proceedings Real Actual Rape.

Say that ray's actual, personal grandmother, the most harmless and endearing old lady anyone can imagine, is at home asleep in her Lanz of Salzburg nightie, and say that a maniac escaped from the county jail breaks into her home, bludgeons her about the face with a reproduction lamp, and has his way with her. Is this rape?

Well. There's a distinct possibility she's been raped, but we'll have to establish a few facts before we can determine whether or not the bitch had it coming. First, was she reading a book? A book of dirty stories that got her hot and bothered? NOT RAPE. Did the maniac enter through a window? Was the window locked? Did he break it in? Or did he enter through the door? And why wasn't that door locked? NOT RAPE. Did she fight him off? With sufficient vigor that her heart murmur started acting up? Did she suffer increased injury as a direct consequence of her resistance, and if not, how does this differ from rough sex? NOT RAPE. Did she scream "No, help, stop, I'm being raped," regardless of how far away the nearest neighbor or her dentures were at the time? NOT RAPE. When the maniac fled the scene, did she immediately call her loving grandson raymondpistachio so he could confirm the validity of her experience? There are just so many unanswered questions!

Clearly, while Real Actual Rape remains a distant possibility, it is never found in contemporary society, because women are lying whores. Except for feminists, who are lying harpies, on account of being so ugly they can't give it away.

[Updated to add ray's eloquent defense of Dominique Strauss-Kahn: French politician on suicide watch in New York

Note that the article does not state whether the woman's lawyer is a public prosecutor or private attorney, nor does it mention whether he is working pro bono. Ray appears unaware that "the state" in its entirety is not capable of appearing in court, and usually engages "private attorneys" to perform this task. As for the rest, I don't even know where to begin. He passes up a chance to call the woman a dirty slut, but packs nearly every other sexual assault-related myth into a few short paragraphs.

* Obligatory disclaimer: I am  aware that rape is not funny. You're welcome.

"When a Maa-aaan Rapes a Wooo-maaan..."

Saginaw Township man found guilty of sexual assaults against hearing-impaired girlfriend

Contra ray, I think the crack-smoking would count against the assailant, not the victim, since drugs impair one's ability to consent to sex.

Crowell, a father whose face didn’t appear in the clips, seemed angry that the victim called the police on him the night before and that child protective services had become involved. He speaks slowly, in an authoritative, gruff voice, often repeating statements several times.
"You called the cops on me...and I almost went to jail...when I didn’t do nothing," Crowell is heard saying. "I have no desire to punish you for what you did, no desire to harm you in any way, shape or form sexually."
He makes several references to "rough sex."
"I've never abused you, and I'm not going to punish you,” Crowell is heard saying. "I don't want to hurt you, (expletive)...I want you to say you're going to do what I want you to do tonight...I want you to say, 'I want to be dominated.'"
Multiple times throughout the footage, as the victim smokes crack cocaine through a pipe, Crowell threatens to tell Child Protective Services of her drug abuse if she makes any accusation about him to the police.
"I told you if you ever call the cops on me, I would give you one chance," he’s heard saying. "I will show you what it is like to be set up...show you what it’s like to be on the other side, to feel like you are going to lose your children.
"I have set it up, and if you (expletive) with me, you will go to jail, you will lose your kids, you will go down."

Of course, any sexual encounter short of home invasion by a stranger, preferably a violent maniac, couldn't possibly be called "rape." Note that Crowell, the defendant, tried to change his plea from innocent to guilty upon learning this would be introduced as evidence. Apparently he viewed the cellphone footage as evidence of guilt, even if ray doesn't.

We Regret Granting You the Right to Vote, You Fucking Dyke [UPDATED]

Ferndale artist Charles Pompilius talks process, symbolism in portrait of former Gov. Granholm

MLive commenters are quick to point out who she resembles.

Coincidentally, all her celebrity look-alikes are famous homosexuals.

From which we can conclude that Sage could totally win a gubernatorial election. You know, if he felt like it.

[Updated for this Bay City gem: 1976 CMU alumnus paints Gov. Granholm official portrait

If, by some hideous twist of fate, Sarah Palin once again came to hold political office, would thomastown01 regard her, too, as a hermaphrodite and traitor to her sex? Or do women with long hair and skirts get a free pass?]

Objectively In Favor of Schoolyard Stabbings

2nd grader suspended after bringing knife to school

Going forward, I wish to be referred to as a "vile feminist stooge" whenever possible.

Note that the item in question wasn't a pocketknife. It was a large kitchen knife. Surely even big, manly hunters like Dennis understand that large knives can cause serious injury and probably shouldn't be wielded by seven-year-olds who can barely close their little hands around the handle. Also, if the child were a girl, would that alter Dennis' assessment of the situation?

The Devil Walks -- Uh, Drives -- in the Afternoon [UPDATED]

Attempted abduction: Hemlock public school officials say man with goatee tried to coax 15-year-old middle school student into his black pickup

Naturally raymondpistachio has several perfectly innocent explanations, each ending with his catchphrase. Ideally he'd have a sound effect cued up, so every time he uttered the phrase "War Against Men," there'd be a crowd of men chanting "U. S. A.! U. S. A.!" or a bugle fanfare by the United States Marine Band.

Bitches only pretend they've been harassed because they like the attention.

[Udated for bonus raymondpistachio action!]

Ray? I have something to tell you. That one time that woman said she enjoyed herself...? She faked it. Every time. And that one time she assured your borderline hysterical self that she wasn't staring at that guy across the room...? She wasn't. I'm just saying.]