Monday, June 27, 2011

All Ray, All The Time

SlutWalk hits Grand Rapids streets, crowd marches to stop victim blaming

I can't tell if this comment stems from chutzpah or cluelessness. Either way, Kevin, dear, you are the reason women organize SlutWalks.

Amazingly, unshaven feminist harridans don't make an appearance until late in the thread.

Ray is back with a vengeance and a new user account. His old account is still visible, but hasn't been active since June 6 and may have been blocked.

Women, you may not have been aware of this, but when you found yourselves in possession of vaginas, you should have taken the necessary steps to register them with Raymond Pistachio. At that time he will collect the licensing fee, issue all necessary papers. Each licensed vagina-holder will also receive a small device pre-programmed with mp3s discussing sexual assault and harassment. Audio clips consist of an enraged male voice, presumably Ray's, shouting No!, Shut up, bitch!, and That's not rape...this is rape!. Vagina-holders are encouraged to refer to these clips whenever they feel an attack of self-confidence or bodily autonomy.

Very few people are aware that unlawful possession of a vagina is prosecuted as a misdemeanor in Saginaw. If the vagina-holder is pregnant, the charge becomes "possession with intent to distribute."

In actual rape cases the prosecution tends to weed out raging misogynists during the jury selection phase, but Ray is clutching at a distant dream of jury nullification.

A Scourge Worse Than Homos

Businesses worry Holland's anti-gay vote could hurt efforts to attract and retain talent

Of course you know that homosexuals rape schoolchildren, but did you know that Mexicans rape schoolchildren and then steal their lunch money?

Well, now you do. Incontrovertible evidence!

I Want To Live Where The Deviants Are

Does West Michigan need more visible minority and gay faces to attract a creative class?

Not content with a single variety of hate, commenters once again pivot from homophobia to racism. The prospect of unpacking a comment with such density of falsehoods and erroneous beliefs daunts me. Instead, I invite you to think kind thoughts about your favorite hip-hop musicians, graffiti artists, homosexuals, and gardeners.

Does your proposed perverts' dystopia have universal healthcare? Strong job market? Living wage? I am so there, like yesterday.

Appliance Repair In A Time Of Strife

Report: Two Metro Detroit cities possible locations for new Sears headquarters, 5,000 jobs

I'm relieved to learn that West Michigan will be spared the worst of the coming race war. Area black and brown people, apparently, have been rendered docile by the terrible shaming glare of pullupyourpants. Also he seems to imply that Sears does not actually employ black people.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Scheduled Outage

I will be offline for a few days this week, so blogging will be light to nonexistent. I will return reinvigorated next week. To tide you over, I offer a thread of beauty. More of this, people. You're keeping storytelling alive in our crazy world.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Even Muggers Like A Piece Of Fruit Sometimes

Transformation Detroit: Eastern Market fights food desert myth with Tuesday hours

But lalayaya, this is what gives DISAMBIGUATION the deepest satisfaction. When commenters can't find a negative aspect of the story, they invent one. Don't deprive them of their only flashes of creativity!

Zero Degrees Of Separation

Stolen frames leave big holes in Flint's vacant Civic Park Elementary

Having already determined What Black People Are Like via internet research, czfan is eager to test his knowledge, but encounters as much pushback as support.

You better not be walking past that building, buddy, or we'll arrest you for maybe having stood in the same convenience store line as the person who vandalized it.

Not only do all black people know each other, but they are all interchangeable. It's true! Some of them can even swap body parts, like Lego zombies.

And Lo, It Comes To Pass [UPDATED]

Dark Past: Michigan sterilized more than 3,000 people from early 1900s to 1970s

Indeed, commenters do not disappoint.

FlintRobber appears to have read neither the article nor any of the other comnents.

[Updated with more commenters calling for the sterilization of people they don't like, with no apparent sense of irony.

I particularly like this appeal to nostalgia:

I need not remind readers that the past few decades saw vast cultural shifts, one of which being a general movement away from medical paternalism and towards a crazy vision in which everyone, not just straight white middle-income men, deserves basic autonomy and freedom to make informed choices. Of course, absentlyric would conclude that our society is the result of rampant breeding by the unfit.

In this utopia, abortion is free, but consists of ninjast4r beating you in the abdomen until you pass out. Birth control is also free; women below a predetermined income level will be issued a Dick Cheney rubber mask which either they or their partner must wear while engaging in any sexual contact. Also, he really should get in touch with mushmorton. They're a match made in heaven!

We Don't Need You Freeloaders Anyway

Does West Michigan need more visible minority and gay faces to attract a creative class?

goatluvin2 has an ironic name, and a muddled message, favoring a diverse local economy but a homogenous local population. Those old Rust Belt cities may have greater ethnic and cultural diversity than West Michigan, but continue to struggle economically because the gays and coloreds have no work ethic. Only white Christians free-marketeers have the gumption to make this "capitalism" thing work. And no, I have no idea how Muslim-bashing relates to anything.

I don't know, maybe people get the impression that conservatives aren't creative after encountering situations where conservative voices condemn difference, attempt to stifle dissent, and treat qualities of interpretation and empathy as morally suspect. You know, the foundations on which creative people build their art.

I will pause only to point out the irony of complaining about "shakedown organizations" while posting an anonymous comment on a free online newspaper. The gays or the Press or Miss PowerDiva or whatever could not take your money if they wanted to.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The (Literal) Minefield of Adolescence

Pop bottle bombs investigated by police

The depressing part is that when I read the phrase "exploding pop bottles," I instantly assumed meth, though the article doesn't mention drugs or specify which chemicals were involved.

It's hard to tell whether he's joking. I tend to associate bomb-flinging teenagers with guerrilla warfare; if he spent his formative years in a war zone, that would definitely explain some of his inchoate rage.

You Cannot Possibly Understand The Delicate Nuances Of Our Bigotry

Police identify 'person of interest' in slaying of civil rights activist C. Frederick Robinson

Elsewhere, commenters fail to understand the difference between person of interest and suspect, and Pat Clawson explains why calling attention to racism is far worse than actual racism. His comments are too long to repost here, but I recommend skimming them for prime examples of covert racist apologia, attacks on phantom political-correctness zealots, and defense of the word "Negro" as used by condescending white folks.

Nice to know that Pat has so much support. Perhaps their support will give his State Senate campaign a much-needed boost.

Black-on-black crime is unique in that it does not involve individuals with families, histories, or feelings. Since neither victim nor perpetrator is fully human, they don't merit so much as a feature story in the local daily, let alone a true crime account. Just tally up the statistics at the end of the year and call it good.

Sorry, Out Of Service

MTA bus driver shot while driving down Stonegate Drive in Flint

Collective punishment is a war crime under the Fourth Geneva Convention. If B17 and his cohorts consider Flint a war zone, they would do well to brush up on international law.

Commenters use their powers of clairvoyance and groupthink to divine the shooter's home address. They will retrieve his phone number from the murky aether momentarily, and produce a composite sketch by tomorrow morning.

Note that the article gives no information about any suspects. All speculation about the shooter was supplied by the commenters, and by the end of the thread they believe their own stories.

He's Not Saying, He's Just Saying

Update: Obama administration expected to send staff, untapped funds to Detroit

Yes, Detroit residents have the unmitigated gall to assert themselves when insulted! Uppity folks, too ignorant to know they're inferior.

Just a thought: maybe HUD is getting involved because of the whole "urban development" thing, and the "housing" issue. It's kind of, like, the agency's core mission. I'm just saying.

Yet another lone truth-teller! It depresses me to have to explain this again, but if you have to preface your remarks with "I'm not racist, but," you are probably racist.

Apparently diggee was just asking questions, which makes the comment totally not racist. Or about Obama. This does amp up diggee's troll quotient, though, so everything evens out in the end.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Not Actually About Arson

'Total chaos:' Flint firefighters respond to 11 vacant house fires all around the same time, location overnight

This thread becomes very convoluted very quickly; please bear with me.

ArmOFtheLORD, like Fpd047, knows which racial slurs are permitted. He's referring to an earlier comment by Jesus_said, which as far as I can tell no longer appears anywhere on MLive.

My guess is that ts673335's first paragraph quotes Jesus_said and the second and third paragraphs are a response, but without the referent it's impossible to say for sure.

Fun fact: opinions differ on whether there is a patron saint of fetuses, and who that saint might be. None of them live in Davison, though.

Note that ts673335 is on a rampage, adding the same comment to every thread with a post by Jesus_said, as herehere, and here:

ArmOFtheLORD is definitely Christian Identity, and his rhetoric is very similar to Jesus_said's. Having his two aliases engage in conversation is a nice touch. Naturally no one can verify or disprove ts's claim, but it's plausible.

Conspiracy Theories For The Win

New York man accused of striking Detroit officer with vehicle in Greektown charged with murder

Not many people know this, but in Buffalo it is illegal to have a foreign-sounding name.* Mohsin might claim to be from Buffalo, but he's actually from a suburb in neighboring Niagara County. Anyone can see that this is the first strike of Al-Qaeda of Upstate New York's secret plan to decimate the Detroit police force, one hit-and-run at a time. Fortunately, Michigan has an extradition treaty with New York.**

* Not intended to be a factual statement.
** This either.

Your Equation Does Not Add Up

Detroit activists join statewide effort to repeal emergency manager law

Wait, do black people vote Democratic because Democrats are corrupt, or are Democrats corrupt because they're black? Also, what does this have to do with measures passed by white Republicans?

Monday, June 20, 2011

Nothing Will Slake His Thirst For Blood

Report: Traverse City teen confesses to killing missing teen; body found

It pains mushmorton to learn that the killer has not already been drawn and quartered in the presence of the victim's parents.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I always thought that living in a Christlike manner was kind of the point of being a Christian. This dude wrote a book about it and everything.

Lawyers, judges, police officers, elected officials? Anarchists, all. Old Man Mushmorton is the only law you need!

Attempts to talk him down do not meet with success.

From this we can conclude that mushmorton is a) consistent and b) Dutch, given his hardline stance on misuse of his personal tax dollars. Farther down the thread, he attempts to draw historical analogies:

By this logic, the state should be firebombing Grayling already, and delivering a nuclear ultimatum for Grand Traverse County effective tomorrow.

Flint Police investigating homicide of 50-year-old man on Stewart Avenue in Flint

I'm just going to link Judge Dredd again, because I find it funny. mushmorton's absolutely on a roll here, with far more "kill 'em all!" comments than I have clever responses. I take comfort in the precious illusion that he is actually a shut-in who spends his days reading MLive, watching survivalist videos, and caressing his rifle collection. In actuality, I probably passed him at Meijer last week.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

We Hate Children. Especially Yours.

Believe 2 Become launching $3 million effort to prepare kids for kindergarten

Developmentally, the most crucial years are between zero and three, so you'd think more early childhood intervention programs would be a fantastic idea. You would be dreadfully mistaken. Check the remainder of the thread for bonus eugenics action!

The parents are fools for having children, the children are fools for not choosing better parents, and the educators are fools for reaching out to people who clearly do not deserve their work.

My child's preschool is an investment in the future. Your child's preschool is a money-sucking hotbed of government indoctrination.

Believe 2 Become's educators, administrators, and community outreach workers would be very surprised to learn that they are not, in fact, employed.

So Wrong It Goes Right, Then Back To Wrong Again [UPDATED]

Is cracking down on illegal immigration in Metro Detroit a waste of time, money?

This level of ignorance is almost delightful. Almost.

Apparently Dearborn has an invasive species problem: eagles! They're swooping down, pecking out children's eyes, eating kittens and chihuahuas, nesting on utility poles and bringing down power lines. They must be captured and released in their country of origin.

[Updated with the Islamophobe's perennial favorite, terror babies.

Maybe you thought it was going to be all about the Mexicans, but we're versatile. We can turn on a dime and hate anybody!]

Insult To Injury [UPDATED]

Flint civil rights activist C. Frederick Robinson killed in shooting Friday night

How do you make a depressing story even more depressing? By needlessly slandering an exemplary man in order to score race-baiting points!

Bear in mind that this is the man who spearheaded a successful 1968 campaign that made Flint the first city in the nation to ban housing discrimination. This is before ACORN existed, people. Not all "community activists" know each other.

[Updated: two days later, Flint commenters are just beginning to hit their stride: C. Frederick Robinson was a 'champion of the under-served,' admirers say

Baseless, context-free allegations; routine insults of journalists and their papers; pleasure that undesirable persons have been eliminated: my day is complete! Just give me a little homophobia, or some Islam-bashing, and I'll be good to go.]