I Can't Decide If I Should Listen To What He Says Or What He Means

Mac Miller brings rap show to Grand Rapids' Orbit Room this fall

Here BO demonstrates his mastery of sarcasm.

One wonders what rationalizations he would have to employ to accommodate religious hip-hop within his definition of polite society. Matisyahu's recent Zohar blogging would probably make his head explode.

It Takes All Kinds [UPDATED]

Shopper hunts for deals at Flint Township Borders; saddened by closing of store

Truly, there is nothing that cannot become a vehicle for homophobia.

Yes, honey, it's true, but the alternative lifestyles to congregate at Borders were mostly Commodore 64 aficionados and Juggalos.

[Updated for de-clarification:

So basically "nondiscrimination on grounds of sexual orientation" is code for "Would you like amyl nitrate with that?" Also, the homos went out of business? When did that happen? And what does this mean for the future of women's softball?

You Let Them Play Outside, Lady. What Did You Expect?

Grand Rapids police: two life-threatening injuries after driver hits 2-year-old, then stabbed by bystander

Yes, and you are a bad mother!

Clearly, if she didn't have an MLive account, she would have been able to use her Amazing Mommy Powers to tug the child out of the road or divert the vehicle. 

And an update: Mother describes scene of crash that killed son, 2, allegedly led to driver's stabbing in Grand Rapids

tw491 sounds almost disappointed that more children are not killed by cars, as this would support the argument that they should be kept on leashes until puberty. Liz counters that children should actually be herded in pens, like goats. One thing is clear: however you decide to raise your children, you are doing it wrong.

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

Letter: Right-wing disinformation is agenda-driven, not truth

William's great joy in life is context-free invective. He never bothers to engage the content of the article, only flings insults at other commenters.

You should probably make sure that your comment excoriating someone else for making derogatory statements does not, itself, contain derogatory statements. Also, it took me longer than it should have to decipher "slithead." I had a crazy mental image of a person with an actual slit on the top of the head, kind of like a mail drop.

We Find Your Biology Highly Suspect

Court: 'Don't ask, don't tell' will stay in place

It's not clear if he's referring to Beck the MLive commenter or the actual Glenn Beck. Regardless, a person over the age of 10 just resorted to "That's so gay," which is pathetic.

No kick lines. None of that, now! Also, can we define "biological correctness"? Is that like being cisgender, or is it a special status that must be earned? Is there a point system for assessing one's relative correctness, and if so who administers it? Do the certificates expire? Like, say, this one dude is really tough, except for that girly shit he's into. Will points be deducted, and can he get them back by threatening to beat up the administrators? All told, I'd rather perform as a flamer.

Three Out Of Four Gets You Nowhere

Report: Amber DeVoe, Zeeland native missing from Boston, home safe

For your delectation I offer the denouement of a short-lived Missing White Girl story. Nearly every element is present, except the most crucial: proper gender presentation. Apparently if you are not a delicate flower of femininity you will be required to reimburse Fox News for airtime spent discussing your disappearance, payable in full immediately upon your return.

I'm particularly taken with underdog's show of faux-concern. A successful search, by his definition, isn't one where the missing person returns safely; it's a search that is worth its weight in tabloid copy. In order to compensate the volunteers for their time, DeVoe should have been courteous enough to surface raped, traumatized, dead, mutilated, or some combination of the above.

Boston police confirm Amber DeVoe, missing since late June, has been found

A related story and a now-vanished comment:

If DeVoe appeared less butch, I don't doubt commenters would have developed a string of cockamamie crypto-racist hypotheses for what might have happened to her in the weeks she was away. Because, you know, black people come from Jamaica. I mean Jamaica Plain. Whatever.

Three Quick Hits (Okay, Four)

Update: Evening shooting results in Saginaw's sixth homicide

Like knock-knock jokes, but racist!

The only thing missing is pseudo-urban dialect. Oh, wait.

Just Putting The Idea Out There

Man shot twice while taking out trash in Flint

czfan doesn't mince words:

Usually commenters make dire predictions about the inevitable race war, but stop short of calling for violence.

Your Personal Waybac Machine

Two-year old son of child murderer Jeffrey Malmberg will not be reunited with his mother

Sometimes a commenter produces a screed so vile that someone actually flags it for removal. I know, crazy, isn't it? Such is the case with the comment below.

A nod towards "Mooslems," or perhaps unions, would really take things to the next level, but Chetdroman runs out of steam. When challenged, he returns with rationalizations, but the magic is gone.

Can't Take A Joke, Can You

Teen mother of baby found dead in Port Hope attic to be charged

You may remember this story from an April blog post, in which we learned that the appropriate response to desperate poverty, abuse, and incest is yet another hillbilly joke. Three months on, the same holds true.

Elsewhere on the thread, suegee47 allows that if the close relative of a 13-year-old girl impregnates her, it could possibly have been rape, and outtaBC4good states the girl should be sent to "mental rehab" to learn personal hygiene, or possibly how to choose better parents. Also:

The absence of welfare, obviously, would spur the family towards entrepreneurship, perhaps in the pharmaceutical field. 

They Got That DNA From Somewhere, Buddy

Michigan Supreme Court rules homeless sex offenders must report addresses to authorities

The slogan hasn't been too quick to catch on, but he's giving it another try.

Contra Ray, Justice Department statistics show that 60% of rapes are never even reported. The lie, in these cases, is that nothing happened and she's going to be just fine.

He also overlooks the fact that exonerating DNA evidence is, by definition, evidence that a woman has been raped, albeit by someone other than the man originally convicted. Unlike chupacabras, women do not stalk by night to suck men's, ah, DNA samples for nourishment and nefarious purposes. 

Perverts Everywhere

SMART suspends Metro Detroit bus driver who ordered breast-feeding mother off vehicle

She understands that somewhere, someone is breast-feeding her baby, but she doesn't want to think about it too much. Women's bodies are just icky, and only retarded whores believe otherwise.

I'm Sure Everything Will Be Fine, Dear

Grand Rapids Police to step up foot patrols downtown in effort to improve safety

Next step: internal passport controls! Grand Rapids' four geographic divisions will be treated as separate cantons, similar to post-war occupied Vienna. In order to pass between neighborhoods, all residents must present documents stating the purpose of their journey. If civilization is crumbling, martial law might not be a bad idea, in which case foot patrols won't cut it. The cops demand rocket-powered motorcycles, with spikes and lasers and things.

Covering All The Bases

Michigan Senate approves tighter 48-month welfare limit

Sometimes, I stumble across comments that blend multiple forms of hate into a perfect storm of ignorance. This is one of them. Sluts, forced sterilization, demonization of poor people, calls for personal responsibility, positioning of self as a lone truth-teller: he's got it all

Strangely, rightside's vision of personal accountability involves eliminating the right of self-determination, not to mention establishing an intrusive fascistic nanny state.

I Will De-Gentrify You With My Ghetto Renter Powers

8,687 homes empty in Jackson County; one in seven houses are vacant in city

But don't even think about renting them out, especially not to poor people.

I would guess that southbeagle also opposes cash-grant and subsidized-loan programs that bring the cost of real estate within the reach of low-income families. Can't have the government coddling people, but then you can't have people renting houses. Such a bind!

Vacant houses attract raccoons, vandals, and crackheads; these, however, are preferable to actual rent-paying tenants.

Learning that my friends and I are personally working towards the destruction of our respective neighborhoods really brightened my day. I had no idea we possessed such power!

I Get My Food Stamps From Sallie Mae

From the comments: Horn: Proposal for four-year life limit on welfare in Michigan could spur entrepreneurship

How, exactly, people are supposed to transform from "living paycheck to meager paycheck" to "successful small-business startup" never becomes clear, so don't bother scouring the article for hot tips.

In charlie's world, even the school of hard knocks charges tuition. He also seems to have spent the Clinton Administration in a fugue state, having never heard of this thing called welfare reform.

About That Other Shooting

Relatives of July 4 downtown shooting victim upset

Here, the victim states that he "had a feeling something was going to happen," which commenters take as clear evidence that his injuries were an act of gang retribution. Wrong color, wrong neighborhood, no sympathy.

I had no idea that getting shot could land you in prison. Now I'll have to be extra careful! Also, grsteve appears unaware that Marcus Garvey is no longer with us.

Even if it were legally plausible to deport an American citizen, it's unclear where he would be expected to go. Possible compromise: American citizens can be deported under certain circumstances, but only to Ruritania or the Savage Land.

Breaking: black people do not pay taxes! Are they even American citizens? Maybe we can deport them after all. Sadly, Marcus Garvey is no longer with us, and cannot offer guidance.

Make Up Your Mind, Buddy

Westboro Baptist Church, known for picketing soldiers' funerals, targets Betty Ford funeral

Make no mistake: B'wana's antipathy for the Westboro crazies was not accompanied by a change of heart vis-a-vis the homos, as seen below. He invariably comments on any article covering the gay community with some variant on "whiners should quit whining." I particularly like his use of "appeasers," though. It implies that the gays are not simply a cultural force, but a quasi-military one, taunted at one's peril.

Let's break this down. Westboro pickets Betty Ford's funeral? NOT OK. Westboro pickets Matthew Shepherd's funeral? OK. Westboro pickets a soldier's funeral? NOT OK. Westboro pickets a gay soldier's funeral? He's going to have to get back to you on that one.

Apropos Of Nothing

In wake of most recent brawl at The Rocket, Jackson police seeking to have bar's liquor license revoked

Wildly inappropriate analogy in three, two...

It's not clear if he's referring to The Rocket bar or Jackson as a whole, or what he's using as his start point. Also notable is the apparent belief that black people seethe in filth, while white people live on sunbeams and shit glitter.

We Got Your Answer Right Here

Family denies report that missing Zeeland native Amber DeVoe has been found

Check the accompanying photograph for an answer to Bill's question.

She may well have run away to escape assholes like CHETDROMAN.