And A One, Two, One Two Three Hey! [UPDATED]

Shootout between two groups leaves three wounded in Muskegon Heights

Blood sport involving animals is illegal. Blood sport involving humans is totally okay by us. We find your pain and desperation entertaining!

Second story, same as the first:

Heroin use up in Northern Michigan: 3 young adult deaths linked to drug

We are in favor of depopulating Benzie County. Didn't need any of those damn kids anyway,  with their "rock music" and their "hopes and dreams for the future."

[Updated to allow CENSOREDNEWS to sound his single, quavering note: Benzonia man identified as latest of three recent suspected overdose victims in Benzie County

Bearing in mind that there's a sucker born every minute, for society to register a net drop in number of fools you would need a supply of dope sufficient to kill at least two every minute. If you have that much dope on hand, I imagine the DEA would like to know why. And "Social Darwinism" is not considered an acceptable response.]

Humanitarian of the Year

Genesee County Jail's work release program to be put under microscope after inmate death

Due process is reserved for blood relatives of Old Man Mushmorton.

Genesee County planners could dump I-475 extension plans next week

Ah, for the days when an article about planning commission proceedings provoked thoughtful comments discussing road improvement and land use!

Genessee drug addicts and criminals are still addicts and criminals, but at least they're white. In related news, mushmorton's rhetoric sounds awfully familiar.*

He just can't leave it alone. And who, exactly, does he believe is on the verge of armed insurrection? The ghetto creatures too hopped up on goofballs to quit their "rap music?"

In other news, I hear the United Northern and Southern Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, conveniently located in Fraser, is seeking white warriors for night riding and related activities.

* If you're sick of Nazi references (I am), this anti-Tutsi propaganda comic refers to Tutsis as "cockroaches" and a "cancer race." It's in French, though.

The Hippocratic Oath is Only for People We Like, Part II

43-year-old man beaten with pipe; suffered head injuries

The commenters are probably just annoyed that it wasn't a copper pipe, and that they aren't the ones selling it to the salvage yard right now.

I had no idea that the hospital was an arm of the police department, and that Flint cops were authorized to withhold medical treatment as an interrogation technique. Perhaps Amnesty International should be alerted?

He seems terribly disappointed to discover that, despite his efforts, the United States remains "civilized." Don't worry, sweetie, your post-apocalyptic dystopia is right around the corner.

Precognition is amazing, you guys! All we have to do is screen the hospital intake records for names of people we know will commit crimes in the future, withhold treatment, and let MRSA take care of the rest.

"When a Maa-aaan Rapes a Wooo-maaan..."

Saginaw Township man found guilty of sexual assaults against hearing-impaired girlfriend

Contra ray, I think the crack-smoking would count against the assailant, not the victim, since drugs impair one's ability to consent to sex.

Crowell, a father whose face didn’t appear in the clips, seemed angry that the victim called the police on him the night before and that child protective services had become involved. He speaks slowly, in an authoritative, gruff voice, often repeating statements several times.
"You called the cops on me...and I almost went to jail...when I didn’t do nothing," Crowell is heard saying. "I have no desire to punish you for what you did, no desire to harm you in any way, shape or form sexually."
He makes several references to "rough sex."
"I've never abused you, and I'm not going to punish you,” Crowell is heard saying. "I don't want to hurt you, (expletive)...I want you to say you're going to do what I want you to do tonight...I want you to say, 'I want to be dominated.'"
Multiple times throughout the footage, as the victim smokes crack cocaine through a pipe, Crowell threatens to tell Child Protective Services of her drug abuse if she makes any accusation about him to the police.
"I told you if you ever call the cops on me, I would give you one chance," he’s heard saying. "I will show you what it is like to be set up...show you what it’s like to be on the other side, to feel like you are going to lose your children.
"I have set it up, and if you (expletive) with me, you will go to jail, you will lose your kids, you will go down."

Of course, any sexual encounter short of home invasion by a stranger, preferably a violent maniac, couldn't possibly be called "rape." Note that Crowell, the defendant, tried to change his plea from innocent to guilty upon learning this would be introduced as evidence. Apparently he viewed the cellphone footage as evidence of guilt, even if ray doesn't.

He's Going on Safari

State Rep. Woodrow Stanley to hold town hall on redistricting

It goes without saying that the commenters will not deign to attend a community meeting held in a predominantly black neighborhood.

Cue jungle drums, Stanley in "darkest Africa", etc.

You Are Not a Credit to Your Race

Three Lapeer County people charged in Columbiaville food stamps scam; seven Genesee County people also to be charged

White people of Flint, cease your lawbreaking immediately! You are confusing Fpd407.

Now Don't Go Changing the Subject, Mister

Master activator: Tony Goldman envisions Detroit as 'capital of the experimental'

It bears mentioning that no one quoted in this article actually uses the word "diversity."

NOBOMA appears unfamiliar with Detroit demographics. Per the 2000 Census (2010 data isn't yet available), the city of Detroit was 81.6% black, but Wayne County as a whole was 40.5% black. That doesn't represent forced racial integration. It represents the fallout of decades of white flight and disinvestment in the urban core.

What, No Calls for Privatization?*

U.S. Postal Service continues giving business to Detroit contractor accused of bribery

Whatever you do, don't give The Coloreds any money! They'll only spend it on hookers and Lions tickets. Oh, wait. Four out of the five defendants appear to be white. Well, this never would have happened if they hadn't been working for a company run by a guy with a vaguely Arab-sounding name (who, incidentally, has not been indicted). That must be it.



* I'm a bit surprised that commenters didn't take this opportunity to call for abolishing the Postal Service altogether. Usually it's their logical next step.

One of These Things May Or May Not Be Like the Others

Detroit files lawsuit to recover $10M from federal monitor involved in Kilpatrick text message scandal

Next thing you know, Obama will be rolling down the street in a muscle car while smoking crack and sexting Nancy Pelosi. Apparently when high-profile black men fail, they are guaranteed do so in a manner that reinforces MrWater's most dismal assessment of their collective character.

We Will Solve Your Budget Woes

Grand Rapids' biggest labor union again rejects city contract offer

The most efficacious solution to any dispute with a union is the unilateral dissolution of that union. I'm sure the temps will pick up the intricacies of the city zoning and planning process right away.

The Grand Rapids Employees Independent Union includes librarians, accountants, engineers, and lawyers, all proverbial lunkheads. Why, they wouldn't even notice if you violated their civil rights in the name of saving a buck!

Let's Do the Sharia Creep!

Terry Jones plans return trip to Dearborn June 17

Ah, yes, brave enough to hide behind a barricade while under guaranteed police protection.

There ought to be a dance step called the Sharia Creep, preferably the kind of move forbidden at middle school dances.

So dashing in his leather jacket, Jones might well be America's greatest hero in civvies. He could take out that pesky Flint terror house just by flopping his comb-over at it. You know, if he felt like it.

The Future Is Now

Fast trains and new jobs: 10 reactions to the Detroit-to-Chicago high-speed rail announcement

This commenter chimes in a day late and rather more than a dollar short.

Ah, the famed self-driving buses of the future! For reference: if my car is to be controlled by a third party, I'd rather it were a third party who was better at parallel parking.

If it's any comfort, we are already under constant surveillance by corporations and law enforcement, but in London at least, the surveillance hasn't proved terribly effective. 

Shape Up Or Ship Out (Or Both)

Dan Rather on 'National Disgrace' of Detroit Public Schools: Time to start listening to kids

No, it's time to listen to me. I'm Old Man Mushmorton!*

Note that the starting salary of of a Michigan money-grubbing teacher averages $31,753. I can't imagine that metro Detroit weighs in at the high end of the spread.

The commenter appears to have modeled his vision of early childhood education on reservation boarding schools. You know, "Kill the Indian, save the man," rampant physical and sexual abuse, etc. And locating this new school in Standish Prison will save taxpayer dollars and cut down on resistance efforts on the part of the newly-minted orphans.

This comment was flagged for removal but remains accessible via his profile page. It's not clear if he proposes involuntary surgical sterilization, or if his "program" involves contraceptives sprayed from crop dusters or released into the water supply. People who breed themselves into one's wallet must be very small, like gnomes or pixies. Maybe I could keep one as a pet!

For consideration: if "Between the Thieves and the Breeders" were a band lineup, would you attend their show?




* This is my new favorite screen name.

It's A Twofer!

Semester over, but critics inside Hope College say debate over homosexuality is unresolved

Or: "Hope College deigns to formally acknowledge the existence of The Gays, sets off three MLive shitstorms (and counting)."

It's this kind of grudging gesture towards "tolerance" that I find most galling. Expecting gratitude from a persecuted group on the grounds that their persecution is less violent than previously is the worst sort of passive-aggressive manipulation. But wait, there's more!

I believe he is referring to the hardline Islamists who declared a gay-free zone in East London earlier this year, meeting substantial pushback from Muslim and non-Muslims alike. It's not clear whether Sage approves of this development. He must be experiencing classic ambivalence, where he simultaneously loathes Muslims and applauds their actions. I expect he's going through a difficult time right now. He could use your support, and perhaps an oil massage from a really hot Muslim dude, just to amp up his ambivalence to the furthest possible degree.

Civil Rights Are Only for People We Like, Part II

Saginaw man accused of killing Bay City woman no longer facing federal drug charges

At least he only has to answer to state court. That's some kind of improvement, sort of.

No, not good enough. We have the internet. We will decide who lives and dies! Let him fight Tim Allen to the death!*







* And my attempt to rid the world of "Pure Michigan" ads fails again.

So Near and Yet So Far

Authorities believe torch cutting lacquer line started Kindel Furniture factory fire

Before you jump to conclusions and assume Mr. TeaParty is making a funny, take a gander at his other comments.

And insert: "No, don't drink that, sweetie, that's mommy's [furniture finish | nail polish | ceramic glaze]. It's poison!" [downs martini] [deep sigh].

Just Swing That Wrecking Ball Around the Other Way, Part II

137-year-old St. Andrew's Elementary School reduced to rubble

Disclosure: I attended St. Andrew's for 6th through 8th grades. Great education, but the building was in poor shape 15 years ago. I'm not surprised they decided to call it a loss and build something else in its place.

What, schools? God forbid children should learn about the world around them!

Noow I see: a saint's name in front of the word "school" instantly invalidates everything anyone ever accomplished within the walls of said school. At least it does when you're an asshole.

We Regret Granting You the Right to Vote, You Fucking Dyke [UPDATED]

Ferndale artist Charles Pompilius talks process, symbolism in portrait of former Gov. Granholm

MLive commenters are quick to point out who she resembles.

Coincidentally, all her celebrity look-alikes are famous homosexuals.

From which we can conclude that Sage could totally win a gubernatorial election. You know, if he felt like it.

[Updated for this Bay City gem: 1976 CMU alumnus paints Gov. Granholm official portrait

If, by some hideous twist of fate, Sarah Palin once again came to hold political office, would thomastown01 regard her, too, as a hermaphrodite and traitor to her sex? Or do women with long hair and skirts get a free pass?]

Objectively In Favor of Schoolyard Stabbings

2nd grader suspended after bringing knife to school

Going forward, I wish to be referred to as a "vile feminist stooge" whenever possible.

Note that the item in question wasn't a pocketknife. It was a large kitchen knife. Surely even big, manly hunters like Dennis understand that large knives can cause serious injury and probably shouldn't be wielded by seven-year-olds who can barely close their little hands around the handle. Also, if the child were a girl, would that alter Dennis' assessment of the situation?

The Devil Walks -- Uh, Drives -- in the Afternoon [UPDATED]

Attempted abduction: Hemlock public school officials say man with goatee tried to coax 15-year-old middle school student into his black pickup

Naturally raymondpistachio has several perfectly innocent explanations, each ending with his catchphrase. Ideally he'd have a sound effect cued up, so every time he uttered the phrase "War Against Men," there'd be a crowd of men chanting "U. S. A.! U. S. A.!" or a bugle fanfare by the United States Marine Band.

Bitches only pretend they've been harassed because they like the attention.

[Udated for bonus raymondpistachio action!]

Ray? I have something to tell you. That one time that woman said she enjoyed herself...? She faked it. Every time. And that one time she assured your borderline hysterical self that she wasn't staring at that guy across the room...? She wasn't. I'm just saying.]

Ugly Stripper, No Tip

Stripper confronts patron outside gentleman's club for allegedly leaving without paying for lap dances

When the cops arrived, the man was arrested for driving on a suspended license, and his van was impounded.

Newsflash: money given to a stripper by patrons is not "extra." They are not employed by the club, and don't receive a wage. Her "tips" are the only money she will receive for services rendered. If the man refused to tip, he stole from her, because she spent time with him that she could have spent with a paying customer.

I'll bear this in mind next time I'm at Romano's Macaroni Grill.* If I don't like my baked ziti, I don't have to pay for it, and the server has to give me a handjob. Oh, that's not the way it works?

* Never.

You're A Long Way From Home, Pardner

Activist blames Detroit for murder after SMART rejects her 'Leaving Islam?' bus ad

I'll defer to the reporter on this one:

Geller's argument, a link to which we've seen retweeted several times today, contains so many half-truths that we don't know where to begin...
1. The City of Detroit has nothing to do with SMART, which as its name implies, is run by a suburban authority with representatives from Oakland, Macomb, Wayne and Monroe Counties. She's suing SMART, so she should probably know that. Those people she just called "evil clowns" have nothing to do with the case.
2. Geller's proposed ad reads: "Fatwa on your head? Is your family or community threatening you? Leaving Islam? Got questions? Get Answers!" and directs people to a website warning about religiously-motivated honor killings. Mokdad allegedly was murdered in Warren, where the ads might have ran. However, she had only moved to Michigan recently, was living in Grand Ledge (far outside of SMART's service area) and only visited Warren to help her grandmother move some belongings.

 I was surprised to discover that vanzorge, despite the name, hails from North Bergen, New Jersey and is active on NJ.com. Perhaps this is his summer home. Just as monarch butterflies unerringly flock each winter to the same fir groves of northern Mexico, so this troll has, with the change in seasons, sought a different bridge beneath which to lurk.

Here we find him in his native habitat:

I'm sure he and closetheborders will become fast friends.

We Want More Jobs (Except Not Those)

Next up for Rapid after millage passes: Ordering new buses, hiring more drivers

He prefers those new-fangled self-driving buses. The unemployment rate in Kent County is 8.8%. Why would anyone oppose new hiring?

Stop Me Before I Blog Again!

Teen victim of video recorded sex assault says it was 'worst night of my life'

I return to a story I've blogged about extensively in order to highlight another gem from everyone's favorite rape apologist. Here he explains his worldview:

One question remains unanswered. Who is "HER?" Does he mean She, or just his ex-girlfriend?

You Better Watch Out. He Means Business.

Flint Islamic Center on Osama Bin Laden's death: 'We hope that this will usher in a new chapter for our nation'

I'm a little worried about Fpd407. His blood pressure must be through the roof today.

He seems not entirely aware that Muhammad is dead. 

See!...the famous Muslim house! Feel!...the horror of CREEPING SHARIA!

Oh, there's so much more: Some believe 17-day lull in violence due to door-to-door reviveFlint religious effort

In related news, death to America!

I Know What I Know as Long as I Don't Have to Think About It Very Hard

Is it right to celebrate a death, even the death of Osama bin Laden?

That's a stupid question. You know what else is stupid? Women and their talk about feelings. Thought and reflection are for losers!

Breaking: You Are Still A Bigot [UPDATED]

Dearborn residents rejoice at news of Osama bin Laden's death

I understand last night might be a little hazy for you, what with your medication, and the pint of Canadian Mist, and all, but this news first broke around 11 PM. Most Dearborn residents were probably at home asleep. I'm rather surprised that even 20 people traipsed out to City Hall in the middle of the night to wave flags at passing cars. Of course, southbeagle prefers to believe that the remaining citizens performed their ritual evening chants of "Death to America!" before settling down to a sound sleep, dreaming of global jihad.

Sage is all, "Pics or it didn't happen!" I sense a nascent bin Laden Truther movement. Everyone knows The Coloreds lie when it suits them, anyway.

Incidentally, he considers this story to have greater geopolitical importance. Last week a middle-aged Afghan military officer with no clear ties to any group and no coherent motive opened fire on a group of American soldiers at Kabul International Airport. It goes without saying that these were not "top Air-Force officers."

[Updated to add this gem, apparently referring to Terry Jones' shenanigans.

Yes, all good Muslims attend their witches' sabbaths by night and plot the murder of Christian children by day. And if snaptrout knows where there are camels in Wayne County, he should contact the authorities. I'm sure the Detroit Zoo has been looking all over for them.]