Yes, and Dog Hair Is Just Like Sulfuric Acid

Dog Bite Prevention Week arrives as West Michigan talks pit bull attacks, dangerous dog breeds

I am mildly disturbed that chukobuk can quote the mayhem chapter of the penal code by number.

If he's looking for an alternative to the Kalashnikov, pit bulls are competitive on price, but not on reliability. Even when fully loaded and held in the correct position, they do not spray bullets, certainly not at 600 rounds per minute. Unlike a grenade, they do not explode when launched, even if you remove the pin first.*

* Seriously, people, do not attempt to throw pit bulls. They are heavy. You'll only hurt yourself and make the dog upset.

Totally Radical Speech, Dude

President Obama urges Israel to go back to 1967 borders

FairVoice is determined to cram in as many ominous buzzwords as possible. In a mere three sentences, we find birtherism, Obama as secret Muslim, and a nod towards Rev. Wright. It's like an hour of Fox News in handy capsule form.

Girls Better Not Be Having Fun If They Know What's Good For Them

Turnaround Achievement student spotlight: Mar'keidra Canada

You thought this would be an inspiring story, but in fact it's a prime opportunity for slut-shaming.

The picture in question shows her wearing a minidress, possibly at a club. It's blurry, but she's definitely smiling. How dare she go out to a club! How dare she let anyone take a photograph of her looking sexy! How dare she have fun when she has the honor of two foundations and a corporation to uphold!

Also, it appears that she has already learned how to use the privacy features on Facebook.

Mudslinging in Flint

Girl held up at gunpoint on Flint's West Dayton Street while on way to school

I'm not surprised that everyone assumes the perpetrators were black. I am surprised that the thread does not include a chorus of complaints at the Flint Journal's failure to mention race.

It took me a moment to figure out the second comment. Finally I realized genesseeborn was kicking it old school.

It's not clear if mushmorton realizes he is quoting Malcolm X. I doubt he would appreciate the irony.

How to Tell If You Have Been Raped [UPDATED]

Doctors convicted of rape could lose Michigan license

Commenter raymondpistachio is fond of declaring that assault and sexual harassment of women are part of a nefarious feminist plot, and that every rape is another salvo in the covert "War on Men." As far as I can tell he has no interest in any other topic.

Thus far, ray has confined himself to dismissing all sexual assault or harassment cases as either fabricated or somehow not rape. He knows where the boundary lies, and won't actually deny that rape occurs, and that it is a criminal act. I have taken to amusing myself* by imagining, in excruciating detail, exactly what must transpire in order for raymondpistachio to deem the proceedings Real Actual Rape.

Say that ray's actual, personal grandmother, the most harmless and endearing old lady anyone can imagine, is at home asleep in her Lanz of Salzburg nightie, and say that a maniac escaped from the county jail breaks into her home, bludgeons her about the face with a reproduction lamp, and has his way with her. Is this rape?

Well. There's a distinct possibility she's been raped, but we'll have to establish a few facts before we can determine whether or not the bitch had it coming. First, was she reading a book? A book of dirty stories that got her hot and bothered? NOT RAPE. Did the maniac enter through a window? Was the window locked? Did he break it in? Or did he enter through the door? And why wasn't that door locked? NOT RAPE. Did she fight him off? With sufficient vigor that her heart murmur started acting up? Did she suffer increased injury as a direct consequence of her resistance, and if not, how does this differ from rough sex? NOT RAPE. Did she scream "No, help, stop, I'm being raped," regardless of how far away the nearest neighbor or her dentures were at the time? NOT RAPE. When the maniac fled the scene, did she immediately call her loving grandson raymondpistachio so he could confirm the validity of her experience? There are just so many unanswered questions!

Clearly, while Real Actual Rape remains a distant possibility, it is never found in contemporary society, because women are lying whores. Except for feminists, who are lying harpies, on account of being so ugly they can't give it away.

[Updated to add ray's eloquent defense of Dominique Strauss-Kahn: French politician on suicide watch in New York

Note that the article does not state whether the woman's lawyer is a public prosecutor or private attorney, nor does it mention whether he is working pro bono. Ray appears unaware that "the state" in its entirety is not capable of appearing in court, and usually engages "private attorneys" to perform this task. As for the rest, I don't even know where to begin. He passes up a chance to call the woman a dirty slut, but packs nearly every other sexual assault-related myth into a few short paragraphs.

* Obligatory disclaimer: I am  aware that rape is not funny. You're welcome.

Expect the Unexpected

13-year-old boy assaults grandmother in Flint

It takes a special kind of dedicated union-basher to draw an instant connection not to a lack of morals or parents, but to the wicked influence of public schools. You know what they say in the teachers' lounge: never attend a department meeting without a weapon. And watch out for those new hires. They'll cut a bitch without even thinking twice.

And A One, Two, One Two Three Hey! [UPDATED]

Shootout between two groups leaves three wounded in Muskegon Heights

Blood sport involving animals is illegal. Blood sport involving humans is totally okay by us. We find your pain and desperation entertaining!

Second story, same as the first:

Heroin use up in Northern Michigan: 3 young adult deaths linked to drug

We are in favor of depopulating Benzie County. Didn't need any of those damn kids anyway,  with their "rock music" and their "hopes and dreams for the future."

[Updated to allow CENSOREDNEWS to sound his single, quavering note: Benzonia man identified as latest of three recent suspected overdose victims in Benzie County

Bearing in mind that there's a sucker born every minute, for society to register a net drop in number of fools you would need a supply of dope sufficient to kill at least two every minute. If you have that much dope on hand, I imagine the DEA would like to know why. And "Social Darwinism" is not considered an acceptable response.]

Humanitarian of the Year

Genesee County Jail's work release program to be put under microscope after inmate death

Due process is reserved for blood relatives of Old Man Mushmorton.

Genesee County planners could dump I-475 extension plans next week

Ah, for the days when an article about planning commission proceedings provoked thoughtful comments discussing road improvement and land use!

Genessee drug addicts and criminals are still addicts and criminals, but at least they're white. In related news, mushmorton's rhetoric sounds awfully familiar.*

He just can't leave it alone. And who, exactly, does he believe is on the verge of armed insurrection? The ghetto creatures too hopped up on goofballs to quit their "rap music?"

In other news, I hear the United Northern and Southern Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, conveniently located in Fraser, is seeking white warriors for night riding and related activities.

* If you're sick of Nazi references (I am), this anti-Tutsi propaganda comic refers to Tutsis as "cockroaches" and a "cancer race." It's in French, though.

The Hippocratic Oath is Only for People We Like, Part II

43-year-old man beaten with pipe; suffered head injuries

The commenters are probably just annoyed that it wasn't a copper pipe, and that they aren't the ones selling it to the salvage yard right now.

I had no idea that the hospital was an arm of the police department, and that Flint cops were authorized to withhold medical treatment as an interrogation technique. Perhaps Amnesty International should be alerted?

He seems terribly disappointed to discover that, despite his efforts, the United States remains "civilized." Don't worry, sweetie, your post-apocalyptic dystopia is right around the corner.

Precognition is amazing, you guys! All we have to do is screen the hospital intake records for names of people we know will commit crimes in the future, withhold treatment, and let MRSA take care of the rest.

"When a Maa-aaan Rapes a Wooo-maaan..."

Saginaw Township man found guilty of sexual assaults against hearing-impaired girlfriend

Contra ray, I think the crack-smoking would count against the assailant, not the victim, since drugs impair one's ability to consent to sex.

Crowell, a father whose face didn’t appear in the clips, seemed angry that the victim called the police on him the night before and that child protective services had become involved. He speaks slowly, in an authoritative, gruff voice, often repeating statements several times.
"You called the cops on me...and I almost went to jail...when I didn’t do nothing," Crowell is heard saying. "I have no desire to punish you for what you did, no desire to harm you in any way, shape or form sexually."
He makes several references to "rough sex."
"I've never abused you, and I'm not going to punish you,” Crowell is heard saying. "I don't want to hurt you, (expletive)...I want you to say you're going to do what I want you to do tonight...I want you to say, 'I want to be dominated.'"
Multiple times throughout the footage, as the victim smokes crack cocaine through a pipe, Crowell threatens to tell Child Protective Services of her drug abuse if she makes any accusation about him to the police.
"I told you if you ever call the cops on me, I would give you one chance," he’s heard saying. "I will show you what it is like to be set up...show you what it’s like to be on the other side, to feel like you are going to lose your children.
"I have set it up, and if you (expletive) with me, you will go to jail, you will lose your kids, you will go down."

Of course, any sexual encounter short of home invasion by a stranger, preferably a violent maniac, couldn't possibly be called "rape." Note that Crowell, the defendant, tried to change his plea from innocent to guilty upon learning this would be introduced as evidence. Apparently he viewed the cellphone footage as evidence of guilt, even if ray doesn't.

He's Going on Safari

State Rep. Woodrow Stanley to hold town hall on redistricting

It goes without saying that the commenters will not deign to attend a community meeting held in a predominantly black neighborhood.

Cue jungle drums, Stanley in "darkest Africa", etc.

You Are Not a Credit to Your Race

Three Lapeer County people charged in Columbiaville food stamps scam; seven Genesee County people also to be charged

White people of Flint, cease your lawbreaking immediately! You are confusing Fpd407.

Now Don't Go Changing the Subject, Mister

Master activator: Tony Goldman envisions Detroit as 'capital of the experimental'

It bears mentioning that no one quoted in this article actually uses the word "diversity."

NOBOMA appears unfamiliar with Detroit demographics. Per the 2000 Census (2010 data isn't yet available), the city of Detroit was 81.6% black, but Wayne County as a whole was 40.5% black. That doesn't represent forced racial integration. It represents the fallout of decades of white flight and disinvestment in the urban core.

What, No Calls for Privatization?*

U.S. Postal Service continues giving business to Detroit contractor accused of bribery

Whatever you do, don't give The Coloreds any money! They'll only spend it on hookers and Lions tickets. Oh, wait. Four out of the five defendants appear to be white. Well, this never would have happened if they hadn't been working for a company run by a guy with a vaguely Arab-sounding name (who, incidentally, has not been indicted). That must be it.



* I'm a bit surprised that commenters didn't take this opportunity to call for abolishing the Postal Service altogether. Usually it's their logical next step.

One of These Things May Or May Not Be Like the Others

Detroit files lawsuit to recover $10M from federal monitor involved in Kilpatrick text message scandal

Next thing you know, Obama will be rolling down the street in a muscle car while smoking crack and sexting Nancy Pelosi. Apparently when high-profile black men fail, they are guaranteed do so in a manner that reinforces MrWater's most dismal assessment of their collective character.

We Will Solve Your Budget Woes

Grand Rapids' biggest labor union again rejects city contract offer

The most efficacious solution to any dispute with a union is the unilateral dissolution of that union. I'm sure the temps will pick up the intricacies of the city zoning and planning process right away.

The Grand Rapids Employees Independent Union includes librarians, accountants, engineers, and lawyers, all proverbial lunkheads. Why, they wouldn't even notice if you violated their civil rights in the name of saving a buck!

Let's Do the Sharia Creep!

Terry Jones plans return trip to Dearborn June 17

Ah, yes, brave enough to hide behind a barricade while under guaranteed police protection.

There ought to be a dance step called the Sharia Creep, preferably the kind of move forbidden at middle school dances.

So dashing in his leather jacket, Jones might well be America's greatest hero in civvies. He could take out that pesky Flint terror house just by flopping his comb-over at it. You know, if he felt like it.

The Future Is Now

Fast trains and new jobs: 10 reactions to the Detroit-to-Chicago high-speed rail announcement

This commenter chimes in a day late and rather more than a dollar short.

Ah, the famed self-driving buses of the future! For reference: if my car is to be controlled by a third party, I'd rather it were a third party who was better at parallel parking.

If it's any comfort, we are already under constant surveillance by corporations and law enforcement, but in London at least, the surveillance hasn't proved terribly effective. 

Shape Up Or Ship Out (Or Both)

Dan Rather on 'National Disgrace' of Detroit Public Schools: Time to start listening to kids

No, it's time to listen to me. I'm Old Man Mushmorton!*

Note that the starting salary of of a Michigan money-grubbing teacher averages $31,753. I can't imagine that metro Detroit weighs in at the high end of the spread.

The commenter appears to have modeled his vision of early childhood education on reservation boarding schools. You know, "Kill the Indian, save the man," rampant physical and sexual abuse, etc. And locating this new school in Standish Prison will save taxpayer dollars and cut down on resistance efforts on the part of the newly-minted orphans.

This comment was flagged for removal but remains accessible via his profile page. It's not clear if he proposes involuntary surgical sterilization, or if his "program" involves contraceptives sprayed from crop dusters or released into the water supply. People who breed themselves into one's wallet must be very small, like gnomes or pixies. Maybe I could keep one as a pet!

For consideration: if "Between the Thieves and the Breeders" were a band lineup, would you attend their show?




* This is my new favorite screen name.

It's A Twofer!

Semester over, but critics inside Hope College say debate over homosexuality is unresolved

Or: "Hope College deigns to formally acknowledge the existence of The Gays, sets off three MLive shitstorms (and counting)."

It's this kind of grudging gesture towards "tolerance" that I find most galling. Expecting gratitude from a persecuted group on the grounds that their persecution is less violent than previously is the worst sort of passive-aggressive manipulation. But wait, there's more!

I believe he is referring to the hardline Islamists who declared a gay-free zone in East London earlier this year, meeting substantial pushback from Muslim and non-Muslims alike. It's not clear whether Sage approves of this development. He must be experiencing classic ambivalence, where he simultaneously loathes Muslims and applauds their actions. I expect he's going through a difficult time right now. He could use your support, and perhaps an oil massage from a really hot Muslim dude, just to amp up his ambivalence to the furthest possible degree.